Max Banner

In Idaho there’s a thing called the Chili Contest, but it was really a salad dressing contest until about 18 years ago. Everybody brought salad dressing to the contest and the judges just thought it was really mild chili. Then one year this guy named Tostitos brought his corn chips and put them in the salad dressing and chili was born. Oh how they laughed that night.

The differences between chili and salad dressing are many. For one thing, you don’t put chili on a salad. That’s really stupid. Once I ordered a burger at this restaurant down the street and they said “would you like soup or salad? Today’s soup is chili?” and I said “soup isn’t chili, why don’t you put the chili on the salad and then bring me some damn soup?” And then my free refill arrived and it was smooth sailing for the next hour.

Another difference is that Hidden Valley Ranch does not make chili. I checked with their manager.

Also: do not put salad dressing on a violin, unless you have no utensils around and you’re not sure if you have a salad or a violin in front of you. In that case it’s better to be cautious and add the dressing, but otherwise just hold on for ten minutes, for crying out loud. The world doesn’t have to wait for your salad problems.

Lastly, while there is a lot of chili powder in salad dressing, there is very little salad powder in chili. Bananas don’t have either, which is why they chair the committee of condiments and fruit at the United Nations. They don’t favor either side. Papayas are not as impartial, but they sell them cheap at the stand on the corner and so that settles it.

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