A Town By Every Other Name

Green Lake’s sold the naming rights to the local stadium, and just about everything else.

In a bold move aimed at saving the town’s credit record from complete disaster, Green Lake officials have been auctioning the naming rights to just about every feature the town has to offer.

Despite widespread criticism by public interest groups and state officials of both parties, businesses have fought and raced to gain the rights to rename Green Lake’s public lands and resources. The names for sale are numerous and varied; some are large, like Green Lake Memorial Stadium, now known as Queasland Petrochemical Field; some are small like Well #13, renamed American Bank Water Solutions. Some are completely unexplainable, like Tattoo Harley’s Recycling and Municipal Waste Station, Big Dog’s Armadillo Eatery Garden Plots and the Horny Teen Babes Online Child Care Center.

“This is the dumbest thing this town has ever done, and that’s saying a lot,” says naming rights opponent Heather Dawson. “I’m supposed to send my stupid crackhead son to Lawrence Tobacco High School? Wait, actually, that might work. I’ll get back to you on this.”

Town spokesman Alfred Wannamaker told a group of reporters that the unorthodox move “isn’t that big a deal. We have billboards with sexy ladies shilling for liquor companies, don’t we? Newsmagazines are subsidized by big tobacco and healthcare conglomerates, right? And TV is filled with ads for everything from violent video games to R-rated action movies. We have yet to see a single negative social effect from any of it, and we won’t see anything come from this naming rights auction. Why make a big deal over nothing?”

Many cities have sold naming rights to stadiums, but Green Lake appears to be the first town to have sold rights to natural features, parks and public buildings. “This huge market opening was a blessing,” says Chamber of Commerce president Lou Horse Bringer. “Local business owners were able to take part in renaming the community they belong to. Like that hair salon, Flaky Bea’s, they have their own hill in Water Crest Park- er, I mean Gun Shooters Federation Park. Flaky Bea’s Hill. It was named after some dead Civil War guy, but now it’s Flaky Bea’s. She’s been given a chance to give back to the community with this program, and that’s what we like to see. Not to be confused with her haircuts, which we usually don’t like to see.”

The fiscal bonanza reaped by the town couldn’t have come at a better time, as local coffers had been empty since all eighteen of Mayor W. Philip Evans’ unsuccessful lawsuits against the United Nations were dismissed and massive municipal legal bills came due. With things turning around, Evans seems poised for reelection. Sources say that the mayor plans to capitalize on this recent success by offering even bigger opportunities for business, like including ads on property tax notices (Spokesman Wannamaker: “Imagine it: ‘pay $2000 or you will be forcibly evicted. While you’re sweating as you try to find the money, quench your thirst with Green Lake Tequila!’”) and tattooing corporate logos on newborn children at The Homie G’s Green Lake County General Hospital, now named after a local street gang. “This is just the beginning,” says Wannamaker. “I can’t wait.”

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