Abraxas

Abraxas: Guardian of the Universe

In Art Can Hurt by Brady Carlson0 Comments

Abraxas title screen

What, no umlauts?

Abraxas (Jesse Ventura) is an eleven thousand year old Finder. Finders locate kittens when they go into space, or something. Secundus is a renegade Finder who’s a dead ringer for Bob Vila, were he to take These Old Steroids and get a Scandanavian accent. They’re both trying to find a mute boy on Earth before the secret equation in his mind destroys the universe. Ladies and gentlemen, chaos theory is now writing movie scripts!

“Are you a birthing member of the human race?”

Secundus

I should point out from the start that, as looney as this sounds, Abraxas vs. Secundus may be one of the all-time great b-movie face-offs. You’ve got Jesse The Body Ventura, future Governor of Minnesota, fighting a sort of mild-mannered, plaid-wearing lumberjack from hell. The deal is pretty basic: Secundus is eeeeevil and must be stopped. Abraxas is given some sort of DNA strengthening process which involves light shocks and wisecracks every few seconds, and he’s assigned to bring in Secundus.

Plot twist! Some space lieutenant complains that Abraxas, who was Secundus’s partner before he went “over the top,” is too close to the suspect. He also complains that he should have a better job than working at an outpost – because he’s “wasting his career.” If you’re capable of living for thousands of years, are a few years doing desk work in the celestial sticks really enough to sink your career? They send Abraxas anyway, is my point.

Secundus
I never wanted to be a renegade Finder seeking the Anti-Life Equation, I always wanted to be… a lumberjack!

Secundus’s evil plan is to come to Earth and get laid. I’m serious. He finds this random woman named Sonia and asks “Are you a birthing member of the human race?” Then he impregnates her by waving a blacklight in front of her womb. A robot which was not in the scene up to this point says “reproduction commence.” This is true, because Sonia has a baby, and Secundus says he will be “The Answer.” No, Allen Iverson does not appear in this picture. Sonia names the baby Thomas, and wouldn’t you know, he doesn’t speak. Luckily, he’s really good at pinball, and so one night, when Uncle Ernie comes over to babysit… ah, never mind.

Actually, Tommy is “The Comb-mater.” And as sick as the idea of getting it on with your hairbrush is, the practical meaning is that his brain contains the “Anti-Life Equation.” This is one of the dumbest things I’ve ever heard. Unleashing the Anti-Life Equation, Secundus says, would make him a god. “Anything less is death.” So to avoid death, he must use the Anti-Life Equation? Hey, the principal at Tommy’s school is Jim Belushi!

Abraxas is ordered to go kill young Tommy to save the universe, but Abraxas, ever the softy, says he’ll “solve the problem my way.” He’s zapped back to Earth, only he must’ve tried going through the Denver airport because all of his weapons got destroyed in transit. Secundus has the same problem, so instead of a futuristic laser battle between two interplanetary behemoths we get two lunkheads running around in a forest trying to hit each other with logs. As if this wasn’t bad enough, Kenny G music plays in the background the whole time.

“My box has VD.”

Abraxas

Sonia, meanwhile, has taken a job at a local health food store, and Tommy is beginning to show eerie powers – he makes a bully pee his pants with his mind! This is just about when Secundus figures out where Tommy is – his villainous strategy is more or less process of elimination – if he zaps a person and his head explodes, he’s not Tommy. Abraxas, Sonia and Tommy escape to an organic apple farm, while Secundus goes to a strip club. This is where I had to stop the film and check into a hospital for a psych evaluation.

Abraxas in bed
Abraxas ‘talks with his answer box.’ That’s one way to describe it.

Secundus, fresh off his night on the town, eats breakfast at a local dive and then infiltrates a grade school, which I guess is to draw Abraxas out. Tommy and Abraxas have a heart-to-heart, and they head to the school, followed by everyone in the entire world, apparently. Secundus is happy to reunite with his son, but Abraxas decks him and Tommy runs away. Fathers’ rights groups must hate this movie.

“Stop – STOP! Could you please provide me with ground transportation?”

Abraxas

Tommy and Secundus are in some warehouse. Abraxas and Sonia are trying to find them. Lots of sparks go off. Tommy makes a chair pee its pants (or blow up, depending on how you interpret the loud explosion and heavy flames) with his mind! Lots of things are exploding. Tommy is wandering around, followed by Secundus, who keeps saying “You are the Comb-Mater… you are my son.” Finally Abraxas shows up. More things explode. Abraxas fights Secundus. Explosions. Tommy helps Abraxas up. Everything is fine. Wasn’t Secundus in this scene? Oh wait, he’s around. More fighting. Abraxas finally steps on Secundus’s neck and makes the evil lumberjack’s head go tim-ber.

Whatever the danger was seems to have passed, but Abraxas wants to stay on Earth and guard Tommy just in case. The weirdos in the galactic outpost say that’s fine. As it turns out, Sonia must be nude a lot of the time if Abraxas is to guard Tommy effectively. “I’m going to like it here,” Abraxas says. “This planet has a lot of potential.” No one who saw this movie would say that. Still, how can you argue with a movie in which Jesse the Body tells bedtime stories to five year olds while locked in a multi-planet death struggle with a lumberjack? Mildly recommended.

Comments

comments

Leave a Comment