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Some people say space is all made up and that we didn’t really go to the Moon. They’re stupid. But one question remains: why didn’t they bring a lot more antacids?

One theory is that they were going to bring a whole container of them, but when they were packing the rocket ship they ran out of room and had to put it in the trunk. Of course, the “trunk” of a rocket ship is where the ignition goes off, so everything that was in there got fried – antacids, autographed posters for the Moon people, a large number of buttons, and Andrew Lloyd Webber’s clone. That was a big public relations problem – not for NASA, but for Volkswagen, who at the time was advertising their cars as having “the roomiest trunks” and everyone thought that meant you’d put a lot of stuff in there and it would melt in thousand-degree heat. Back then advertising was different.

There was another theory that the antacids had turned against the American space program and in a shocking turn joined the Soviets. There were several wrappers of a popular brand name antacid (I won’t say the name, but it’s pretty obvious – they always sold the RED ones) scattered among one of the Soyuz modules. Some even say the Soviets invented several new esophagus diseases, then opened up a set of Mexican restaurants to give everybody ulcers. But they settled out of court so it all worked out.

The other popular theory was that the astronauts were tested for low acid reflux levels, and that was the only actual number that mattered to be an astronaut. I remember my friend Rudy knew this fella who went to the space program to become an astronaut and they looked at him funny when he coughed. So there you go.

One thing is for sure – they’ll never make it to Mars without figuring out the antacid issue. Any good explorer needs them. Magellan had a bunch of antacids with him. That’s why he got killed, because there was a shortage that year. The next year the Philippines signed a contract for better distribution and they never ran out again. That’s what you get for showing up early.

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