ACLU Sues Itself

In Reports from Green Lake by Brady Carlson0 Comments

Civil rights group claims it fails to protect those it sues

Green Lake’s 3rd Closed-Circuit Court of Appeals finished its 79th session, at three weeks and 18 hours, its longest session yet. We were there to get the scoop, and here it is:

The Green Lake branch of the American Civil Liberties Union won its case against itself and has been ordered to pay itself $3 million in damages. According to lead counsel Jo Louise Woods, the nationally known civil rights organization felt compelled to sue itself after last year’s session of the Closed-Circuit Court of Appeals: “We sued about twelve different groups and won them all, but it was really sad to see how it hurt them to lose those cases. It was that moment I realized that someone had to stand up for the rights of those who had been horribly abused by the ACLU, and I knew that the ACLU could be that group.” Woods pooh-poohed naysayers when asked about the oddness of suing one’s own group, saying, “It’s no big deal. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going out for dinner and dancing with myself, and if I’m late I might ruin the whole relationship.”

For another opinion on the case, this reporter caught up with one of last year’s “victims,” 33 year-old Amanda Doolittle. “They sued me for attempting to damage the reputation of Tommy Joe Bluegill, the pimp… er, uh, the sexual escort service manager. It was nice to see them stick up for me after wrecking my life to a point that I’m now criminally insane. Now give me that $!#!ing wallet or I’ll slice you three ways til Sunday.”

The local ACLU publicity office issued dual press releases at the conclusion of the case. One praised the judge for seeing their side of the case, while the other pointed out errors in the judge’s line of reasoning and said an appeal would follow soon. Both ended by announcing that the group would open the court’s next session by suing Mr. and Mrs. Jackson Wayfield on the charge that their voodoo curse on neighbor Dave Penman takes away his right to live a mojo-free life.

A quick rundown of the other cases: Town voyeur David Oates won $265 from the Jenkins family on Lambert Street, on the charge of negligence. The judge ruled that their balcony was unsafe and therefore caused Oates to hyperextend his knee while watching them make prank phone calls in the nude… a court injunction was levied against Heather Carnegie, 6. Young Heather was ruled to be “too precocious” and must “de-cute herself immediately” by buying clothes from resale shops, refusing to cover her nose while sneezing and learning to curse. Asked for comment, Heather’s father said, “We’ll start with the F-word, I suppose.”

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