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If you had to pick an animal to run an airline, why not a buffalo? What were you gonna say, a tree sloth? No way. Buffaloes are too big to go on airplanes, so they won’t steal your frequent flier miles while you’re on the phone with your stupid family trying to figure out why you left your good pants at home. That’s the kind of service you can’t get from a tree sloth.

See, you’d think buffaloes would be better at security than at administration – like if a terrorist showed up with a grenade they’d just stampede him and that’d be that. As it turns out, buffaloes have been running airports since before the colonists came over. The last buffalo General Custer shot had been working on a runway for the Minneapolis airport and they were only 40 percent done. They had to get a government bailout for the rest and that didn’t go over so good with the voters.

I told my brother about buffaloes running airlines once and he said they should run a cruise line instead. “Then they’d be water buffaloes,” he said, laughing until he choked. I laughed too, for a little while. Who can’t laugh at our changing transportation needs, but after a while you need more. My brother stopped choking after the waitress hit him with a board, and that was all he wanted anyway. The waitress refused to laugh on Fifth Amendment grounds.

The only other question is, would the buffaloes accept a buyout if things didn’t go well? A leading expert on buffalo business ventures says no, because they prefer to refinance their paycheck loans. But this expert also said yes, when I told him he wouldn’t get his hat back unless he stopped lying. So the results are inconclusive. What they need to do is sell a small airline to the buffalo, and if they do well with it they can get a bigger one. If it doesn’t work out, they can do something else. Maybe join up with the tree sloths.

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