Cakes Are For Throwing, Sometimes

Max Banner

So I was at this guy’s house for a party one night and he brings out this big cake that he made with frosting and everything. And it says something weird like “Happy Birthday JoAnne” on it. So me and my cousin, we chuck the cake out the window and onto this car. The guy got all upset cause not only was the cake for his girlfriend but it was her car that we hit with the cake. But I think he was just trying to impress her.

The point is, there’s a way to tell when a cake is for eating and when it’s for throwing. I’ve tried over seven hundred cakes in the past year alone. They keep all these cakes on these displays at the bakery by my place so I go over there and try them out. One time the guy said, “Hey, that’s a special order for somebody” and I said “How do you know it’s special if you haven’t even tasted it?” That shut him up.

When you’re making a cake for throwing you have to make sure that it’s aerodynamic. Sometimes they have the wings already on there, but don’t be fooled. Those are airplanes, not cakes. Cakes are delicious and you can also throw them. Airplanes are big and metal and you wouldn’t want to eat them unless you’re an idiot. An aerodynamic cake will fly through the air really well. That’s how you can tell.

Cakes that are for eating are usually made with ingredients. Sometimes the guy making the cake wears the white hat like Chef Boyardee and squirts frosting all over the place. One time I was in Romania and Chef Boyardee was there watching a movie, so I asked him for some ravioli. He didn’t want to cook anything until the movie was over. But it wasn’t that good of a movie and besides, I didn’t even pay, I only went in there to order food from Chef Boyardee. So the usher threw some popcorn at me to get me to go, but I went to the American embassy and complained. They said that throwing popcorn at an American was a human rights violation and they sent me to Oregon for six weeks to recover. They even had cake! It was pretty good.

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