cereal. mmm.

“Imagine if ‘Casablanca’ wasn’t at a nightclub but at a family-style diner. They would’ve had an omelet station instead of a piano.”

There are many factors to consider in looking at the culture of a long ago century. Like paintings. Or sculptures. Or whether sculptures came to life and did paintings. But no one talks about cereal! This is a big mistake, because the ancients weren’t getting up and eating paintings for breakfast.

Cereal can have a big influence on a culture. Look at Australia. Those guys just rode around on drunken crocodiles for like 600 years, and then along came cereal and now there isn’t a single drunken crocodile in Parliament. That’s progress! Cereal also brought peace to the troubled region of Lake Trouble, which existed on a soap opera, I think. But the two characters that I liked were eating cereal and then they couldn’t plot the murder of the other guy because they were too full. It was a plot twist.

What they should do is put cereal into the middle of more movies. There’s a lot of dramatic potential in breakfasts. Imagine if “Casablanca” wasn’t at a nightclub but at a family-style diner. They would’ve had an omelet station instead of a piano. “Get any toppings you want,” Rick would say to the lady before getting all upset. It would’ve been the biggest scene in movie history. And cheaper to film than a bar scene, especially if the studio hired its own chicken. Screenwriters don’t include breakfast foods more often because they don’t start writing until after breakfast. So they don’t think about breakfast anymore, they think about the other meals. Maybe they could start by writing more scenes where the characters talk about what a good breakfast they just had. Fighter pilots could do that. “Get into toast with peanut butter formation,” one of them could say. “We’re going to use the ol’ grapefruit trick on them.”

One more thing about cereal. If you ever have to dress up as a cereal, choose oatmeal. One time I dressed up as Cocoa Puffs and I think Toucan Sam took my car keys and drove me to all my errands that day. It could’ve been the dean of students, too. Either way he had to buy me breakfast.

Leave a Reply

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.