Clinton Traded to Venezuela

President Clinton heads south, while the U.S. gets a diplomat and a first-round draft pick.

U.S. General Manager Freddie McDirko shocked the world today with his announcement of a blockbuster trade, sending President Clinton and Nebraska governor Mike Johanns to Venezuela for a deputy minister of energy and a first-round draft pick.

“This trade will ensure that our country will remain competitive in the years to come,” McDirko said in a press conference. He then presented a U.S. flag and Social Security Card to the new acquisition as members of the press applauded.

While McDirko took no questions from reporters, a top level aide to the General Manager gave reasons for the trade: “Clinton’s only got about a year left on his contract, and we need to make sure our team doesn’t fall behind when he leaves.”

This is the first time that America has made such a large trade. It was believed that the U.S. was in talks to get German politician Angela Merkel for House Majority Whip Tom DeLay, but the deal fell through after DeLay publicly worried about playing time on the German squad.

The trade dashes fans’ hopes that the team that brought the country a burgeoning economy would get one more year together. “Really, though, the team hasn’t been the same since [former Treasury Secretary Robert] Rubin retired,” said our source.

The trade also sparks larger rumors that McDirko’s office plans on trading off the remainder of America’s aging, high-salary superstars for younger, lower-cost politicians. In a rare interview last month, McDirko gave “Rabid Monkey” magazine a glimpse of the future: “Rebuilding is not a dirty word, everybody has to do it sometime… even the Yankees had to send off the old and bring in the new.” It is believed that he is currently trying to negotiate a package deal, sending Al Gore and George W. Bush to the Central African Republic for a rookie diplomat, two draft picks and four frozen pizzas.

Clinton’s off-court antics have given the American squad more than a handful of image problems. Still, most analysts believe that with Clinton gone, the team lacks depth in many areas. While Luis Alberto Ruizano, the energy minister, brings a solid all-around game to American politics, Green Lake pundit Norma Rae Devers suggests, “the team needs someone to bring the perserverance that Clinton has. He single-handedly brought a lot of come-from-behind victories in for the U.S., and that’s what they need more than anything else.”

The abilities of a Clinton-less American team have yet to be discerned, but Venezuela’s team has improved dramatically. Led by a last-minute Clinton drive, the team resoundingly defeated Chile in a trade dispute and seems poised to lead the South American division very soon.

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