Queasland’s new CEO is the Caligula of the business world

In a near-unanimous ruling, the state Supreme Court has ordered Queasland Petrochemical to stop paying its bills with coupons, putting another nail in the coffin of Green Lake’s largest private employer.

“You’re a bunch of [expletive deleted] who don’t give a [expletive deleted] about anything,” said Chief Justice Claire McNamee in her unusually profane majority opinion.

Company lawyers had argued that since coupons state that they have a “cash value of 1/20th of a cent” they could be used to pay back Queasland’s creditors, but the judges agreed with lawyers representing several local banks, saying that “Twenty percent off Lean Cuisine does not a loan payment make.”

One of the nine judges dissented, writing “Lean Cuisine is good, especially when I remember to cook it before eating.”

Queasland has been in financial distress since the sudden death of CEO Gilbert Maxwell III and subsequent election of his son, Gilbert “Super-Dude” Maxwell IV, as his successor.

Maxwell IV, according to financial expert Skippy Melville, “started all sorts of new ventures that used up money and momentum the company needed in an economic downturn.” These included replacing Queasland’s Employee Assistance Program with a psychic chat line and repainting the company’s 600 service vehicles with a picture of the new CEO’s face.

Shareholders were shocked at the company’s annual meeting in January, when Maxwell IV mooned a board member critical of his decisions. The corporate world’s worst fears were realized only three weeks later, when the State Department of Justice began investigating Queasland after hearing that Maxwell IV may have brought surplus napalm as a gift to potential investors in North Korea.

Paying huge legal defense fees has caused the company considerable financial stress. To keep stock prices up, Maxwell IV presented a plan to steal every copy of the Wall Street Journal and write in a higher Queasland stock price before returning the papers to newsstands, but the banks filed their suit against the company before the plan could take effect.

A large group of shareholders is expected to ask for Maxwell IV’s resignation, and to pay for a commando raid if he refuses.

Rumors had been circulating that the cash-strapped town government, hoping that the court would allow coupons as currency, was stockpiling copies of the Sunday Shopper’s Guide. The mayor’s office could not be reached for comment.

Leave a Reply

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.