Queaslandâ€™s new CEO is the Caligula of the business world
In a near-unanimous ruling, the state Supreme Court has ordered Queasland Petrochemical to stop paying its bills with coupons, putting another nail in the coffin of Green Lakeâ€™s largest private employer.
â€œYouâ€™re a bunch of [expletive deleted] who donâ€™t give a [expletive deleted] about anything,â€ said Chief Justice Claire McNamee in her unusually profane majority opinion.
Company lawyers had argued that since coupons state that they have a â€œcash value of 1/20th of a centâ€ they could be used to pay back Queaslandâ€™s creditors, but the judges agreed with lawyers representing several local banks, saying that â€œTwenty percent off Lean Cuisine does not a loan payment make.â€
One of the nine judges dissented, writing â€œLean Cuisine is good, especially when I remember to cook it before eating.â€
Queasland has been in financial distress since the sudden death of CEO Gilbert Maxwell III and subsequent election of his son, Gilbert â€œSuper-Dudeâ€ Maxwell IV, as his successor.
Maxwell IV, according to financial expert Skippy Melville, â€œstarted all sorts of new ventures that used up money and momentum the company needed in an economic downturn.â€ These included replacing Queaslandâ€™s Employee Assistance Program with a psychic chat line and repainting the companyâ€™s 600 service vehicles with a picture of the new CEOâ€™s face.
Shareholders were shocked at the companyâ€™s annual meeting in January, when Maxwell IV mooned a board member critical of his decisions. The corporate worldâ€™s worst fears were realized only three weeks later, when the State Department of Justice began investigating Queasland after hearing that Maxwell IV may have brought surplus napalm as a gift to potential investors in North Korea.
Paying huge legal defense fees has caused the company considerable financial stress. To keep stock prices up, Maxwell IV presented a plan to steal every copy of the Wall Street Journal and write in a higher Queasland stock price before returning the papers to newsstands, but the banks filed their suit against the company before the plan could take effect.
A large group of shareholders is expected to ask for Maxwell IVâ€™s resignation, and to pay for a commando raid if he refuses.
Rumors had been circulating that the cash-strapped town government, hoping that the court would allow coupons as currency, was stockpiling copies of the Sunday Shopperâ€™s Guide. The mayorâ€™s office could not be reached for comment.