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“Did you know that Free Parking in Monopoly was based on an invention called the parking lot? If you did, you’re wrong.”

I got enough to worry about without people trying to win against me at Monopoly. But since you asked, I know a lot about this little game that’s been big for about 300 years. For example, did you know that Free Parking was based on an invention called the parking lot? If you did, you’re wrong. If it was based on the parking lot, why wouldn’t they call it “Parking Lot”? No, it was invented because of something else. The inventor must’ve forgotten to pay for his free parking that day, so to make it up to them he put a “Free Parking” square on the board.

Squares! Now that’s another thing. The deed cards are rectangles. So are the money. And all the squares are rectangles too, except for the square ones. So why are they called “squares”? Because mathematicians don’t like people deciding that stuff for themselves. They want it all controlled and centralized. It’s like Stalin with them. They won’t let you do anything on your own. Why don’t you change my diaper too, you damn lousy mathematical jerks! I’ll tell you why, because there’s no diaper station square- I mean, rectangle.

Uncle Moneybags was based on a real person too, if you were wondering. He was the guy who paid for the Free Parking every week. But you had to go up to him and ask first. Then he’d roll two dice and if you got doubles he’d make you play tennis. Then he’d steal your car. And in those days if you lost at tennis you’d go to jail. That’s why the game is called “Monopoly.” But everybody probably knows that already.

The way to win at Monopoly is easy. Don’t land on the railroads, because then you have to drive all over the place. How are you supposed to land on Free Parking if you’re running a railroad? You can’t park your trains on Free Parking, even if you’re willing to pay! It doesn’t work that way. No, you have to avoid the railroads. And don’t play as the dog, either. If you’re the dog and you land on the railroad everybody just gets sad because that poor little dog is running the railroad and he doesn’t even have a transportation management background! No, if you do that you might as well start over. Especially against me.

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