Don’t Pee On My Beach Towel

Max Banner

Max Banner

“The ancient Greeks made lots of important discoveries, but they made one crucial mistake – they thought ‘donuts’ and ‘doughnuts’ were two different things.”

The ancient Greeks made lots of important discoveries, but they made one crucial mistake – they thought “donuts” and “doughnuts” were two different things. Imagine having an office meeting back then. That’s why they couldn’t afford anything but togas.

The Greeks also thought Aesop and Esau were the same guy, and that people who said “Esau” all had lisps and couldn’t say “Aesop” correctly. This was totally wrong. Aesop was the fable guy and had a moral to go at the end of every story. Esau was a farmer or something. His moral was “don’t pee on my beach towel” and that was about it.

Despite all this, the Greeks did OK for themselves. According to signs at a Greek restaurant I went to once, they revolutionized food service by putting in sneeze guards at all locations near you, and employees had to wash hands before returning from break. This was all hushed up later so that the Romans wouldn’t have to admit their dirty secrets in public – that those pictures of servants feeding them grapes were all faked and that there were actually no grapes in all of ancient Rome.

This begs the question, why did they want to fake pictures of themselves eating grapes? (And also, where were all the grapes? And finally, I thought I just bought some grapes so where are they.) The real answer is that they feared war with the powerful Ocean Spray company, which was only hundreds or thousands of years from being created. If they rose up and took over the cranberries and juice drinks, said the thinkers of the time, then grapes would be next. And then they’d be in big trouble. So they faked the pictures to show their goodwill. Only it didn’t work, and the Roman-Ocean Spray Wars spread throughout Europe like a wildfire with lots of assorted natural and artificial flavors in place of the flames.

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