Much money is made by persons who sell little prayer books with simple plaintive messages for powers that happen to be holier than us. The idea here is that while prayer starts in the heart, it usually gets tied up in the mouth and instead of winding up in God’s ears it often lands somewhere in the small intestine, causing much unnecessary blockage. Thus, the books are there to take the difficulty out of making up prayers. In fact, they take all of the “making up” part of making up prayers.
To this we of course say “Amen.” But while these books certainly pack an evangelical wallop, they tend to focus on everyday occurrences- prayers for spouses, confirmations, standing around during Fishing Derby weekend, etc. We, United Brethren of Reasons To Be Announced, have decided to fill in the liturgical cracks in these prayer books and give you, the reader, a bit more peace of mind when searching for the right thing to say to God in that uncomfortable situation. Hallelujah!
FOR A PARANOID PERSON ABOUT TO COMMIT ARSON:
Lord, Your wisdom is truly great. Let Your words ring from every mountaintop on the planet. I know not why I do this act but that it is Your will to be done. I trust in Your wisdom, and if I am caught I’ll tell them that it was Your idea all along and that I was acting under orders.
FOR A PHOTOGRAPHER TAKING PORTRAIT OF AN EXTREMELY UGLY FAMILY:
Blessed be the Son of God, who obviously has a healthy sense of humor about Creation, especially with that chubby eight-year-old we’ve got in front of us. Let me tell you, Lord, when you said “my cup will never empty” she took it for all it was worth! Heh heh. Anyway, peace on Earth, goodwill to all and let’s hope my camera survives this.
WHEN RECEIVING PRESENTS FROM RELATIVES:
God Almighty, I already have three of these freakin’ things! Where the hell am I gonna put this when I get home?
WHEN BEING MUGGED:
Oh LORD, that hurt!
FOR READING THE NEW YORK POST:
God, you’ve been holding out on us! All this time you’ve been saying that we humans have a wicked streak a mile long and just make more trouble for ourselves than anything, but right here on page 14 we’ve found us the precise location of heaven! And on page 15… now, that’s just too much, isn’t it? Do we really need more floods? Cripes, the way you pick on those Colombians. I’m gonna watch Springer now, so please forgive me when I call those hillbilly women dirty names.
God, You are so cool. The Coolest. No doubt about that. Oh, man, are You cool. And I’m not just saying it because things are going OK for me either. I mean, You could kick my hinder from here to bloody Zimbabwe and IÃ¢â‚¬â„¢d still say You were cool. By the way, don’t get thrown by all that stuff I was saying to Allah last week. It was a rough week, but I’ve got everything straight now. You’re the Big Cheese, buddy, and don’t let nobody tell you different.
FOR THOSE TORMENTED BY A UNIFORM EUROPEAN CURRENCY:
Lord, patience and understanding are Your strong points. I ask that I can have the patience of Job in knowing that the miserable continent of Europe wants to band together and snag a bigger piece of the world’s pie. Give me strength, O Lord, and help me to take solace in the fact that no one likes the French and that half of Europe consists of insignificant countries like Liechtenstein and Italy.
FOR A PERSON CHOKING, ALONE:
Lord, You are holy and mighty, and I hope You know the Heimlich or I’ll be seeing a lot more of You in a few minutes.