Max Banner

I have this extra room at my place where I plant pickles every year, ever since I worked at the pickle factory. Sometimes I plant flowers in there too, but not since I tried putting a geranium on my roast beef sandwich.

Geraniums come from the geranium family. They originally came from the petunia family but they had a big fight and now they don’t talk to each other except through their lawyers. The fight was over a pickle. Imagine that! If they’d only known about the pickle factory.

One year I tried planting the petunias and geraniums together in a pot. I locked the door and said “You’re not coming outta there til you’re friends.” I hadn’t heard anything in weeks so I went back in and they were all dead. I hired a florist to come in and he said they probably died of starvation. But he had a worried look on his face and I could tell he was hiding something.

Why can’t the pickles make the flowers get along? That’s what I wanted to know, but the president of the pickle factory doesn’t answer the phone anymore and his secretary just says “no comment.” Are they in on the conspiracy too? Or are they just trying to stay neutral like Switzerland? Well, buddy, Switzerland isn’t neutral anymore. They take sides, all the time. Pickles should be more like Switzerland.

So, anyway, this year’s pickle crop was no good. I planted perfectly good ones and they came out as cucumbers instead. You have to treat them just so or they do that. They’re primadonnas, those pickles.

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