Good evening. As you know, today we received video evidence of a shocking, deplorable crime: the kidnapping of Ronald McDonald by a criminal group in Finland.
We utterly condemn this atrocity and demand the safe and immediate return of Mr. McDonald.
Yes, Mayor McCheese has been briefed. Right now Officer Big Mac has direct operational control, and he is in contact with the mayor regularly.
No, we do not believe that Hamburglar is working with these Finns. Our latest intelligence suggests that Hamburglar is currently hiding in the border region between Thailand and Myanmar, formerly known as Burma. The hunt for Hamburglar will continue and we will remain steadfast in our pursuit until he is caught and brought to justice. That search will continue.
Yes, we can confirm that Birdie is safe. She is in a Playplace at an undisclosed location. While she did fly over Scandanavia in recent weeks she was not in danger at any time, and we do not have any evidence that she was a target.
No, we cannot confirm that Grimace is on his way to Reykjavik to negotiate with Bjork as an intermediary. I cannot confirm that at this time.
What I can confirm, however, is that every one of us will, and must, stay resolute and vigilant, until Mr. McDonald is home safe at his cabin next to Filet-o-Fish Lake. We will not rest until that moment.
Thank you all for coming.