Go Ahead, Make My Christmas Day

The once-beloved Christmas Giant makes his film debut- as a violent dictator

Green Lake’s cartoon hero, The Christmas Giant, is making his first appearance on the big screen, over twenty years after his first TV appearance. But this isn’t the Christmas Giant you and I grew up with. And some say, the changes are not for the better.

“It was really scary,” said Marissa Tyler, 7, on her way out of an opening day matinee of “Christmas Giant’s Big Payback.” “The big man kept hurting all the people. I wet my chair and Mommy said we had to go home.”

Moviegoers are split into two camps about the “new” Christmas Giant. While some appreciate the newfound edginess that the TV Giant lacked, others decry that the original, a friendly giant from northern Minnesota who was elected President of the United States, has been turned into a bloodthirsty, thrill-seeking maniac who uses nuclear weapons to wipe out his political rivals and fight terrorism. Producer Mitchell Devito, Jr., the son and namesake of Christmas Giant’s creator and producer of the reality TV series “Automaton,” defended the changes by saying “It was time to update Christmas Giant for the 21st century. Nobody wants to watch crap like ‘Christmas Giant Meets Chanukah Bob’ anymore… say what you want, but we’re just giving people what they want to see.”

“Big Payback” critics dismiss Devito’s argument outright. “This movie’s values are completely out of whack with ours, right from the very first letter of the title” explains Dr. Ben Weller of Citizens Against Films Using The Letter “C”. Film historian Melinda Sorenson agrees, describing Devito’s argument as “laughable” and adding “hahahahaha, bwahahahahahah, hahaha, ahahahahahaha” before collapsing on the floor in hysterics.

The biggest critic of all, though, is one at the North Pole. Breaking with centuries of tradition, Santa Claus has issued a statement condemning the film, in which he is shown as an effeminate New Age hippie whose evil plan to replace the traditional lumps of coal for bad children with hydrogen fuel cells is thwarted by the Giant, who launches napalm strikes against the workshop and impales St. Nick on the runners of his solar-powered sleigh. North Pole spokeself Twinkle told reporters that Santa “hasn’t been very jolly lately, thanks to Mitchell Devito Jr.’s character assassination… frankly, I’m not sure there’s going to be a Christmas this year.”

The movie industry is happy with the film’s generally good box office returns, but even some of Devito’s most stalwart supporters are unnerved by what they know about the Christmas Giant sequel, which goes into production next March. “Christmas Giant Takes Jerusalem” doesn’t have a script or director, but has already been officially condemned by the United Nations Security Council as a threat to world peace. Eight countries have already authorized peacekeeping troops to go the Middle East for opening night, and the U.S. is likely to contribute financial and technical support. “Also, we’re not above killing the guy,” said one official who wished to remain anonymous. “It stopped that one dead guy, now didn’t it?”

But amidst all the criticism, Devito is unfazed. “This is one of those Christmas movies that defines a generation, like ‘Holiday Inn’ or ‘Apocalypse Now: The Christmas Years’,” he said. “People will look back on ‘Christmas Giant’s Big Payback’ with fondness.”

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