Paul: “I was speechless when I saw it… I don’t suck!”

Green Lake resident Paul was shocked this past Friday upon learning that a graffiti artist had written that he sucked.

“I was speechless… I kept thinking, ‘Who would do such a thing? I don’t suck!’ Then I started thinking about changing shirts, but you probably don’t want to know about that.”

The offending comment, which simply read “Paul sucks,” had appeared on the surface of a hand dryer at the downtown Big Dog’s Armadillo Eatery. Assistant Manager Travis LeConte, 18, was the first to notice. “Dude, Paul sucks! I can’t believe it, dude! You know who really sucks, though? My ex-girlfriend Patty. She totally sucks, man.” Big Dog’s owner Pete Vanderwagen tried to soothe the shaken Paul by changing the restaurant’s sign from “Dogburger Special is cool and cheap, only $2.99” to “Dogburger Special is cool and cheap just like Paul!”

Police began an investigation into the writing, but their work was thwarted quickly, as Detective Lance Redding of the Bathroom Graffiti Department started crying on the job. Said police spokeswoman Lisa Morris: “Apparently the graffiti artist had also written ‘cops are fat’ on the door to the stall, and for whatever reason, this upset Detective Redding greatly. We remained confident that we will catch the suspect despite the fact that we have no leads, no witnesses and our lead investigator starts weeping each time he visits the crime scene.”

Miffed by the police department’s slow response, Paul has begun his own investigation. “At first I thought it was my daughter, but then I remembered she doesn’t go in the men’s room very often. So I compiled a list of everyone I’ve ever known. I asked each of them if they did it and they all said no. I’m kinda stumped now.”

Most bathroom graffiti is disregarded or ignored. In Green Lake, bathroom graffiti at Big Dog’s is treated like gospel. Who could forget January 7th, 1995, the day when the entire downtown area shut down for a day because someone wrote “Don’t go to work tomorrow or a monster will eat you”? Or Danny Warner’s college thesis, which tried to discern the identity of the person who wrote “I used it here” in 1993? Or the sad tale of poor Morgan Simon, who went from Homecoming Queen at Green Lake West High School to winner of the Miss Emotionally Disturbed Ward pageant at the local mental health clinic, all because someone wrote “For a good time call Morgan Simon” on the wall at the library? In the present, Paul has been the unwilling recipient of many shouts of “Hey, you’re the guy that sucks!” as he drives around town in his rust-colored El Camino. But he remains stoic in the face of adversity: “Bad things happen to everybody, but you’ve got to keep a good attitude. I talked with a guy about it the other day at a job interview. He said, ‘Look, Paul, it’s not that you suck, but you’re just not who we’re looking for right now.’ I felt better after that. I don’t suck just because I’m broke and lazy and unappealing. I mean, it’s all in how you look at it. Besides, I got a new pen today and I’m going back to the Big Dog’s bathroom to write ‘no he doesn’t, Paul’s cool’ underneath the graffiti. That’ll show ’em!”

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