Green Lake Summer Movie Preview 2003

In Reports from Green Lake by Brady Carlson0 Comments

Sure, you laugh at these, but you’ll go see ‘em next week anyway!

It’s time again for summer blockbusters, and wouldn’t you know, Green Lake has a cushy new movie theater! The Cinewonk 14 promises the best viewing experience in the county- or it did until manager Billy Lela mistakenly cut the theater’s main power line during the ribbon cutting ceremony. As such, these movies won’t open right away, though doctors are optimistic that Lela’s heart will be running on its own again by the time it does!

WHAT THE? – Wealthy, arrogant VIN DIESEL wakes up one morning in a different house, with a different wife and a different job. Has he been sent to a different reality to learn a lesson about pride and money? No, he got really high and forgot where he lived. KATE HUDSON helps the lovable dope find his way to Betty Ford- and her heart. Romantic Comedy

ME AND THE BOYS– Driving by the scene of a deadly car accident, JEFF DANIELS can’t help but feel that the board games he designs for preschoolers are responsible and takes it upon himself to raise the victim’s twin sons, even though they’re 43 years old. Drama.

THE HOOP-SKIN DAUGHTER– KATE WINSLET plays a vulnerable lesbian witch doctor in this touching, thoughtful tale. After falling in love with conservative pundit ANN COULTER, Winslet realizes her Arby’s chicken sandwich was drugged and must start a new life in the Cirque du Soleil. Romance.

THE CONCIERGE – Now that Spidey, Hulk and the X-Men have all been brought to the big screen, it’s time to bring out the lesser heroes, the ones who weren’t popular enough for their own comic books. Mild-mannered LEO DICAPRIO wakes up one morning to find he has the super-ability to tell whether any of his friends have dropped by his apartment building. Yet there’s danger nearby thanks to arch-nemesis Franklin Planner (BILLY BOB THORNTON), who has bewitched the office workers of Houston into constantly wondering if today really feels like Thursday or more like Wednesday. Leo has to stop Planner’s evil scheme before the pizza delivery truck shows up or he won’t be able to use his coupon. Action.

NEW YORK INTELLECTUALS GONE WILD – Spring break will never be the same, thanks to GORE VIDAL and CHRISTOPHER HITCHENS, who spend two hours goading friends at The New Yorker into stripping for the camera. Avert your eyes when the retiring Conde Nast editor offers to show the camera his “pith”! Documentary.

AUSTIN POWERS 4: YOU ONLY LAUGH TWICE – MIKE MYERS sets a record by playing 72 different characters (including Austin’s skanky love interest Anna Mae Lowcut, in a disturbingly graphic love scene). Powers is trapped in a “Sex Drive” SUV by the horny and diabolical ESTELLE GETTY, the only woman Austin ever refused to “shag.” Comedy.

THE FICTITIOUS FACTS OF FAKE FICTION – Upon learning that his films aren’t always factually accurate, MICHAEL MOORE stages an ambush interview with himself, smacks into a mirror and starts to think he’s a rapper named K-Car. Scary, yes, but wait til you hear him get “jiggy”! Documentary.

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