Summer’s here, and the time is right for spending nine bucks on two hours of dreck…

Anticipation is in the air. Visualize the parking spot, which is probably no more than a mile away from the theater. Savor the smell of the artificial butter-like theater topping and the mountains of ice in your four-dollar cup of “soda.” Trace your path along the sticky floor to the small, cramped seats. It’s movie magic, baby! And in Green Lake, it’s a misdemeanor to spend a Friday night anywhere else. Here’s this summer’s crop of turkeys, homegrown and ready for sheer minutes of enjoyment.

THE FRIDAY AFTER TOMORROW – DENNIS QUAID is a clima-paleo-enviro-ecologicalist charged with saving the planet in a time of global warming. He rushes to New York to save his son (JAKE GYLLENHAAL) from the tidal waves and hurricanes, but a flash flood washes him into the “hood” where ICE CUBE and CHRIS TUCKER help him “mellow out.” After finishing his twelfth joint, Quaid has an epiphany about a guy named Ice Cube- “Hey, you’re cold!”- and sends the beleaguered rapper to balance out global warming at the North Pole just before Deebo gets a hold of him. Sci-Fi Comedy.

HARRY POTTER AND THE VOYAGE TO URANUS – J.K. ROWLING could trust director CHRIS COLUMBUS with the first two Potter films, but apparently not PAUL “American Pie” WEITZ, who turns Sirius Black, the vengeful Prisoner of Azkaban, into Professor Snape’s flatulent new roommate, has Ron trying to bed a less bookish, much chestier Hermione and settles Harry’s blood feud with Lord Voldemort in a taco-eating contest. Folks, this is what happens when authors option their books to production companies without hiring a good lawyer! Family.

ARNIE GORBACHEV – This indie sensation stars MARC BARTON as an oddball teen doing oddball things with his oddball friends in oddball North Dakota during the oddball 80’s. Football great JIM BROWN co-stars as the gym coach who looks beyond Arnie’s oddball haircut and oddball outfits to find his talent for imitating Joe Piscopo. Drama.

WEST TROY – While Troy proper suffers death and destruction in the Trojan War, its small suburb, West Troy, has problems of its own, as the ancient world’s first planned community tries building a water tower. Should they place it near the 3rd Street Depot like the Mayor (HARVEY KEITEL) suggests, or should the street-level view of the public golf course stay unobstructed, as the course designer (VANESSA REDGRAVE) prefers? A tense municipal bond fight raises property taxes by one-tenth of a percent and the town is destroyed by the gods. Drama.

THE PASSION OF THE HUBBARD – JOHN TRAVOLTA, cheesed off that Mel Gibson’s religious movie was a huge hit while BATTLEFIELD EARTH bombed, Passionizes the Scientology founder, turning the writing of “Dianetics” into- you guessed it- three hours of graphic, blood-soaked torture, death and resurrection. Travolta spent $30 million of KELLY PRESTON’s own money and had his actors speak their lines in the original Californian English (with American subtitles). Drama.

Leave a Reply

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.