Summer’s here, and the time is right for spending nine bucks on two hours of dreck…
Anticipation is in the air. Visualize the parking spot, which is probably no more than a mile away from the theater. Savor the smell of the artificial butter-like theater topping and the mountains of ice in your four-dollar cup of â€œsoda.â€ Trace your path along the sticky floor to the small, cramped seats. It’s movie magic, baby! And in Green Lake, it’s a misdemeanor to spend a Friday night anywhere else. Here’s this summer’s crop of turkeys, homegrown and ready for sheer minutes of enjoyment.
THE FRIDAY AFTER TOMORROW â€“ DENNIS QUAID is a clima-paleo-enviro-ecologicalist charged with saving the planet in a time of global warming. He rushes to New York to save his son (JAKE GYLLENHAAL) from the tidal waves and hurricanes, but a flash flood washes him into the â€œhoodâ€ where ICE CUBE and CHRIS TUCKER help him â€œmellow out.â€ After finishing his twelfth joint, Quaid has an epiphany about a guy named Ice Cube- â€œHey, you’re cold!â€- and sends the beleaguered rapper to balance out global warming at the North Pole just before Deebo gets a hold of him. Sci-Fi Comedy.
HARRY POTTER AND THE VOYAGE TO URANUS â€“ J.K. ROWLING could trust director CHRIS COLUMBUS with the first two Potter films, but apparently not PAUL â€œAmerican Pieâ€ WEITZ, who turns Sirius Black, the vengeful Prisoner of Azkaban, into Professor Snape’s flatulent new roommate, has Ron trying to bed a less bookish, much chestier Hermione and settles Harry’s blood feud with Lord Voldemort in a taco-eating contest. Folks, this is what happens when authors option their books to production companies without hiring a good lawyer! Family.
ARNIE GORBACHEV â€“ This indie sensation stars MARC BARTON as an oddball teen doing oddball things with his oddball friends in oddball North Dakota during the oddball 80’s. Football great JIM BROWN co-stars as the gym coach who looks beyond Arnie’s oddball haircut and oddball outfits to find his talent for imitating Joe Piscopo. Drama.
WEST TROY â€“ While Troy proper suffers death and destruction in the Trojan War, its small suburb, West Troy, has problems of its own, as the ancient world’s first planned community tries building a water tower. Should they place it near the 3rd Street Depot like the Mayor (HARVEY KEITEL) suggests, or should the street-level view of the public golf course stay unobstructed, as the course designer (VANESSA REDGRAVE) prefers? A tense municipal bond fight raises property taxes by one-tenth of a percent and the town is destroyed by the gods. Drama.
THE PASSION OF THE HUBBARD â€“ JOHN TRAVOLTA, cheesed off that Mel Gibson’s religious movie was a huge hit while BATTLEFIELD EARTH bombed, Passionizes the Scientology founder, turning the writing of â€œDianeticsâ€ into- you guessed it- three hours of graphic, blood-soaked torture, death and resurrection. Travolta spent $30 million of KELLY PRESTON’s own money and had his actors speak their lines in the original Californian English (with American subtitles). Drama.