Green Lake Summer Movie Preview 2006

We’re back with a vengeance – well, we’re bitter anyway.

Ok, we took last year off from the movie preview, figuring that if we didn’t give any press to the increasingly questionable movie industry it might encourage them to shape up and stop putting out schlock. But then MySpace got invented and apparently those people will watch anything, so we’ve since moved to the “if you can’t beat ’em, join ’em” crowd. Check us out on MySpace – LOL ROFLcopter!

ERNEST BEGINS: If Batman and James Bond needed a creative shot in the arm, surely the beleaguered Ernest franchise could use an update as well! FREDDIE PRINZE JR. plays the young hayseed before he went to jail, rode again or saved Christmas. Interestingly, Vern is reimagined here as a hyperactive cyborg motor scooter with an attitude (courtesy of guest voice EMERIL LAGASSE). Comedy.

SPEAKER CABLES: In this wacky CGI-animated romp for the Cars crowd, a pair of sassy audio wires, Left (OWEN WILSON) and Right (WILL SMITH), realize that their days are numbered once the FCC switches to HD and everybody goes out to buy Surround Sound. So they start murdering digital cable subscribers. Children’s.

THOSE S__TING BASTARDS: Director MARTIN SCORSESE was all set to make another of his trademark films about tough guys shooting each other and dropping the F-bomb every 2.2 seconds, but while he was busy writing mash notes to the Academy, LEONARDO DICAPRIO used the “find and replace” function on Marty’s word processor to change every f-word into an s-word. Rather than giving up (or just clicking “undo”), Scorsese saw the opportunity and created an entirely new picture in which tough guys shoot each other and drop the S-bomb every 2.2 seconds. Crime/Drama.

BUTTS: Who the crap let YOKO ONO direct for IMAX? Documentary.

PERSONAL HARASSMENT: See if you can follow this one: JODIE FOSTER is in a high-tech robot-controlled baby stroller enjoying a cool glass of Ensure, when the phone rings. “Hello?” she says, and a sinister voice (SHERMAN HELMSLEY) says “I have your daughter, assuming your daughter is, in fact, a can of Franco-American reheatable pasta.” And Jodie says “whatever,” and hangs up, only when she does the stroller starts rolling down a steep hill in San Francisco, (which is weird because she was in Ohio) and only her hot cousin, a professional bowler named “Stumpy” (RUSSELL CROWE), can save her. This one doesn’t just turn the sex and violence up to Broil, it actually mixes them together; there’s a disturbingly graphic sex scene between two automatic rifles about an hour in. “This will be like the O.C. on steroids,” says director MICHAEL BAY. Action/thriller.

A TRUTH THAT MIGHT FORCE ME TO REARRANGE MY SCHEDULE A BIT, UNLESS I CAN GET IN TOUCH WITH MY BROTHER, I’LL CHECK ON THAT AND CALL YOU BACK: The documentary of the making of AL GORE’s much more famous film reveals that “An Inconvenient Truth” would not have happened at all, because the Veep was originally scheduled to go for pizza with his brother. Fortunately (or not) Ed Gore woke up “just wanting to chill at home today” and Al decided to give his global warming presentation after all. The director’s cut features a naked WOODY HARRELSON repeatedly chanting “Mun-chies! Mun-chies! Mun-chies!” atop a 75-foot tall replica of Gore’s Powerbook. Documentary.

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