This year’s summer blockbusters are huge- in a chubby, heart attack-prone kind of way.

The year 2000 may be remembered for lots of things, and maybe someone will remember that movies were made in that year! This year’s crop has been so intense that some film critics have had to mail themselves to the Canadian wilderness to escape the onslaught of action, suspense and excitement! So how can Hollywood top the seemingly unstoppable with summer movies? Read on, movie lover, and find out:

HOME EQUITY– ROBIN WILLIAMS and WHOOPI GOLDBERG star as an elderly couple trying to cope with the loss of their house, possessions and even their identities to an international conglomerate of giant rats (led by the voice of former General Colin Powell), who are bent on controlling the world’s helium supply. Drama.

JERRY LEWIS, MAN OF LA MANCHA– LEWIS performs in Spain to an audience of windmills, and like Don Quixote, he’s oblivious to their real identities. The movie’s thrilling climax shows Lewis making balloon animals just as JULIE ANDREWS starts ladling soup out to black-market potato vendors. Baseball great STAN MUSIAL calls it “a whole lot of horse #@!$, but that’s just my opinion.” Miscellaneous.

UNNATURAL INDECENCY– Nothing says summer like a seductive psychodrama, and this one looks to top its predecessors as fast as you can say, “Wouldn’t that position crack her spine?” JON VOIGHT stars as a Roman centurion who’s been buried for nearly 200 years. As he lies dead in an unmarked grave near the Mediterranean, BILLY CRYSTAL poses as a journalist in Los Angeles who secretly likes to take pictures of signs hanging outside union halls. NICOLE KIDMAN notices Crystal’s fetish and introduces him to the seamy, sexy world of hanging out in the Taco Bell parking lot. DENNIS FRANZ brings his own brand of mild sauce to the already sticky web of intrigue and lost innocence as he exposes Crystal’s and Kidman’s secrets to their spouses (played convincingly by LESLIE NIELSEN and FAYE DUNAWAY) and then proceeds to order 800 Grande Meals. This leads to a dramatic chase scene and makes the audience wonder “Who’s betraying who?” Suspense.

ONE SILLY CENTIPEDE– Kids hate bugs in real life, but on the big screen they mean big bucks! Disney’s “A Bug’s Life” bugs and WOODY ALLEN’s Antz join forces to kick butt and take names, while a lone young centipede named Marshal Tito must save his colony. The catch? He’s actually STEVE ALLEN, whose many talents include morphing into any creature imaginable. Allen emerges as the centipede leader after a bloody coup d’etat, defeats their computer generated foes and still has time to whip up some Eggs Benedict for his shellshocked war buddies. Children’s.

DON’T DIE HARD, JUST DIE!!!– SYLVESTER STALLONE, JEAN-CLAUDE VAN DAMME, STEVEN SEAGAL, ARNOLD SCHWARTZENEGGER AND DOM DELUISE decide that BRUCE WILLIS is bad for the action movie genre and try to rub him out. Meanwhile, ex-wife DEMI MOORE hires JOE PESCI to do the same job for $5 million, so he must stop the other stars from bagging his prey. But Bruce has plans of his own… Action/adventure.

MY DINNER WITH DILLER– ROB REINER has dinner with PHYLLIS DILLER and leaves the camera on. One-liners are a-flyin, but much to the cook’s chagrin, so is the pot roast. Documentary

THE FANTASTIC MAGIC OF HAPPY-LAND– Everyone dies, painfully and violently, in their worst nightmares come to life, and GOD has the unenviable task of sending 98% of us to hell. Children’s.

THAT’S ENTERTAINMENT! NO, WAIT, IT’S MARTIN LAWRENCE– Martin’s headed into a life of prop gags, but he keeps screwing them up. He tries for the pie in the face, but his aim is a little worse than the average Imperial Stormtrooper. He tries Three Stooges-style slapstick, but his straight man, NFL great LAWRENCE TAYLOR, punctures his lung while high on crack. He even tries Gallagher’s Sledge-o-Matic, but whacks a bowling ball instead of a melon and gives himself a concussion. To solve his problems, Lawrence travels to Tibet to learn from Buddhist masters and overcomes his fear of smoked turkey. Drama.

LIFE, VERSION 2.0– Those plucky teen idols, REESE WITHERSPOON and JENNIFER LOVE HEWITT die in a suicide pact but are sent back to Earth by an angel (played by GLORIA STEINEM). Back in the land of the living, they decide to drop out of high school and form a limited liability corporation in the field of forensic chemistry. Meanwhile, hunky “Angel” star DAVID BOREANZ sells his soul to TONY DANZA, who promises to smother the entire town in marshmallow fluff. Teen Comedy.

FLAG DAY II: ALIENS GO DOWN– Space aliens not only infiltrate planet Earth without our knowing, but they also buy up all the cute puppies and leave us with the runts. WILL SMITH and JASON ROBARDS play cabaret dancers who are somehow considered Earth’s last hope, and through determination and bribery turn a group of women’s soccer coaches into an elite fighting force. Special effects are considered the best since 1942’s MIRACLE OF PLANET SCARY. Sci-Fi.

THE ENCOURAGING DRIVER– It may take all summer to watch KEVIN COSTNER’s new money vaccum, folks. He writes, directs and stars as a pool shark who takes a road trip to Dallas, Texas and meets the woman of his dreams (MARY STEENBURGEN). They marry the next day and he begins a stream of affairs, for he believes he is in FLAG DAY II and must sire enough warriors to prevent an apocalypse so dangerous that only a postal worker could save us. DENNIS HOPPER, giving a lecture to college-age Dalmatians, is sought out by Steenburgen; she seeks not only her philandering husband but a clue to finding her parents, who she believed were murdered over 500 years ago. If this wasn’t enough, along comes REGINALD VELJOHNSON, who uses 10-10-321 to call DREW BARRYMORE and scare her a la “Scream.” He introduces her to Costner and they- you guessed it- have an affair. Steenburgen must now make a crucial decision- either accept that Dennis Hopper is her father or completely disavow any involvement in the movie. Costner then spends 18 years roaming through Kuwait looking for his wristwatch. He finds it just in time to learn that his wife and mistress have both passed away. With the encouragement of the RED HOT CHILI PEPPERS, he decides to write an incomprehensible screenplay and slingshot launch himself into the restrooms of the Louvre, dying a hero’s death. Costner’s many conditions for making the film include hiring over 400,000 extras and then giving each a close-up and at least one speaking line; thus this film clocks in at over 72 hours. This $18 billion picture was financed in part by Costner’s association with DEMONS, which were not only seen on the set but barked orders to everyone in plain sight. Sheesh. $^*#($!

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