Has “Christmas Sprawl” Come To Green Lake?

Playing Christmas music too early has inexplicably destroyed several acres of local forest

Rita Pitcher has seen a lot of unusual things in her ten years in the ranks of Green Lake County’s forest rangers- probably more unusual things than most rangers, given her penchant for searching out unidentified plants and smoking the contents. “One time, I saw the Queen of England dancing nude in a big pile of mashed potatoes, and she said, ‘Be a good girl and do something about the space-time continuum, it’s holding up my laundry cycle,’” Pitcher says. “Or the time I thought that an Arena Football team was trying to steal my favorite sweater so they could fix me up on a date with Donald Rumsfeld. I got lots of stories like that from when I’m a little loopy from the plants, but this Christmas music thing, I didn’t even take anything and it’s really weird.

“The thing is, I mean, this thing is nothing, but it’s something, man.”

The “weird thing” to which Pitcher refers literally is nothing- a three-acre patch of land in the county forest preserve that has completely vanished. “Not deforested, but gone,” explains deputy ranger Bill Wigitkowski. “Like they got swallowed up or something. We had to redraw all our maps cause of this. I know it sounds weird, but I don’t smoke plants so it’s not like you have to take Rita’s word for it.”

The most bizarre twist to this already bizarre phenomenon, which is bringing top researchers from all over the world to Green Lake, is the apparent cause of the destruction: a local radio station which began broadcasting Christmas songs weeks before the holiday season officially begins.

Problems first surfaced several weeks ago on K-Smack Radio, when morning host Fred the Lesbian started reading from his best-selling book “The Sphincter Monologues.” Fred told reporters that “You know, when I’m on the air, you know, I’m a wild animal, rocking the world, interviewing the losers from Celebrity Boxing, and I act on the spur of the moment, without thinking or nothing. So I flip on ‘Santa’s Got Hat Hair’ by the Eureka Bloodheads, and the station starts getting all these calls from the forest rangers, you know, like ‘habitat loss’ this and ‘extinction’ that, and some s*** like that. So my traffic analyst, Braless Susie, she hands me ‘I Wanna Be a Sweatshop Santa’ by the Danson Family Singers, I play it, and the next thing I know there’s a guy from the state environmental agency dusting me for toxins.” Braless Susie adds, “That toxin guy was pretty hot, but he wasn’t a lesbian.” State environmental officials surveyed the damage to the preserve and found that several acres had vanished in the wake of the early Christmas music.

Scientists have long theorized a link between playing Christmas music before the start of the season and catastrophic ecological devastation- “We’ve long believed it was Christmas music that sank the lost city of Atlantis,” says Professor Lance Schickenmortar of Appleton State University- but Green Lake’s troubles are the first concrete proof of such a relationship. Schickenmortar adds, “The scientific community has been warning against the effect of too-early Christmas music for years, but the Christmas music industry as pushed their agenda without any thoughts about long-term environmental effects. Now there is absolutely no doubt that they are the ones who are pushing our fragile planet to the breaking point.”

The lone dissenting voices come from the lobbying group Christmas Music Association. CMA spokeswoman Vanessa Gilmore is using a “vengeful” PR strategy to defend her industry, calling the loss of acreage “dubious,” the evidence “bad science” and Schickenmortar “a child molester.” K-Smack Radio’s parent corporation, Suburban Mega-Conglomerate Media, also denies any wrongdoing by their station, though Fred the Lesbian now promotes his show as “the morning show that destroys protected habitat.”

Schickenmortar is unfazed by his “unscientific” critics. He sees the forest preserve phenomenon as part of a larger trend he calls “Christmas Sprawl.” “When I was a kid,” he says, “the Christmas season lasted exactly three days and six hours. They timed it at the town hall. But then came the twelve days of Christmas, and so the season got longer. Then it would start when Santa appeared at the end of the Thanksgiving parade. Those were all environmentally sustainable, but the media started inching their Christmas broadcasts forward, a little earlier each year, and the shops started their sales sooner and put their displays up earlier.”

“If they keep this up,” he warns, “we’ll lose our best acreage in 5-10 years.”

State environmental officials say they have research to back Schickenmortar’s claims. Dr. Luann Mattuck explains that “Music can be powerful… we’ve long known that classical music can improve learning ability in grade schoolers. But what the media doesn’t tell you is that we also know Christmas music played too early can cause those same children to develop unhealthy attractions to talk show host Maury Povich. That’s in addition to the environmental damage.”

Furthermore, Mattuck says that “the worse the music is, the more dangerous for the environment. The songs Fred the Lesbian played were fairly tame. Thank god he didn’t play any Diane Warren songs, or the whole town could have vanished.”

Could Christmas Sprawl be destroying Green Lake, and other towns at the same time? One sad, sober forest ranger says yes.

“Things aren’t gonna be the same now,” says Rita Pitcher. “Over there [the missing land] is where I used to smoke the weirdest stuff.”

Playing Christmas music too early has inexplicably destroyed several acres of local forest

Rita Pitcher has seen a lot of unusual things in her ten years in the ranks of Green Lake County’s forest rangers- probably more unusual things than most rangers, given her penchant for searching out unidentified plants and smoking the contents. “One time, I saw the Queen of England dancing nude in a big pile of mashed potatoes, and she said, ‘Be a good girl and do something about the space-time continuum, it’s holding up my laundry cycle,’” Pitcher says. “Or the time I thought that an Arena Football team was trying to steal my favorite sweater so they could fix me up on a date with Donald Rumsfeld. I got lots of stories like that from when I’m a little loopy from the plants, but this Christmas music thing, I didn’t even take anything and it’s really weird.

“The thing is, I mean, this thing is nothing, but it’s something, man.”

The “weird thing” to which Pitcher refers literally is nothing- a three-acre patch of land in the county forest preserve that has completely vanished. “Not deforested, but gone,” explains deputy ranger Bill Wigitkowski. “Like they got swallowed up or something. We had to redraw all our maps cause of this. I know it sounds weird, but I don’t smoke plants so it’s not like you have to take Rita’s word for it.”

The most bizarre twist to this already bizarre phenomenon, which is bringing top researchers from all over the world to Green Lake, is the apparent cause of the destruction: a local radio station which began broadcasting Christmas songs weeks before the holiday season officially begins.

Problems first surfaced several weeks ago on K-Smack Radio, when morning host Fred the Lesbian started reading from his best-selling book “The Sphincter Monologues.” Fred told reporters that “You know, when I’m on the air, you know, I’m a wild animal, rocking the world, interviewing the losers from Celebrity Boxing, and I act on the spur of the moment, without thinking or nothing. So I flip on ‘Santa’s Got Hat Hair’ by the Eureka Bloodheads, and the station starts getting all these calls from the forest rangers, you know, like ‘habitat loss’ this and ‘extinction’ that, and some s*** like that. So my traffic analyst, Braless Susie, she hands me ‘I Wanna Be a Sweatshop Santa’ by the Danson Family Singers, I play it, and the next thing I know there’s a guy from the state environmental agency dusting me for toxins.” Braless Susie adds, “That toxin guy was pretty hot, but he wasn’t a lesbian.” State environmental officials surveyed the damage to the preserve and found that several acres had vanished in the wake of the early Christmas music.

Scientists have long theorized a link between playing Christmas music before the start of the season and catastrophic ecological devastation- “We’ve long believed it was Christmas music that sank the lost city of Atlantis,” says Professor Lance Schickenmortar of Appleton State University- but Green Lake’s troubles are the first concrete proof of such a relationship. Schickenmortar adds, “The scientific community has been warning against the effect of too-early Christmas music for years, but the Christmas music industry as pushed their agenda without any thoughts about long-term environmental effects. Now there is absolutely no doubt that they are the ones who are pushing our fragile planet to the breaking point.”

The lone dissenting voices come from the lobbying group Christmas Music Association. CMA spokeswoman Vanessa Gilmore is using a “vengeful” PR strategy to defend her industry, calling the loss of acreage “dubious,” the evidence “bad science” and Schickenmortar “a child molester.” K-Smack Radio’s parent corporation, Suburban Mega-Conglomerate Media, also denies any wrongdoing by their station, though Fred the Lesbian now promotes his show as “the morning show that destroys protected habitat.”

Schickenmortar is unfazed by his “unscientific” critics. He sees the forest preserve phenomenon as part of a larger trend he calls “Christmas Sprawl.” “When I was a kid,” he says, “the Christmas season lasted exactly three days and six hours. They timed it at the town hall. But then came the twelve days of Christmas, and so the season got longer. Then it would start when Santa appeared at the end of the Thanksgiving parade. Those were all environmentally sustainable, but the media started inching their Christmas broadcasts forward, a little earlier each year, and the shops started their sales sooner and put their displays up earlier.”

“If they keep this up,” he warns, “we’ll lose our best acreage in 5-10 years.”

State environmental officials say they have research to back Schickenmortar’s claims. Dr. Luann Mattuck explains that “Music can be powerful… we’ve long known that classical music can improve learning ability in grade schoolers. But what the media doesn’t tell you is that we also know Christmas music played too early can cause those same children to develop unhealthy attractions to talk show host Maury Povich. That’s in addition to the environmental damage.”
Furthermore, Mattuck says that “the worse the music is, the more dangerous for the environment. The songs Fred the Lesbian played were fairly tame. Thank god he didn’t play any Diane Warren songs, or the whole town could have vanished.”

Could Christmas Sprawl be destroying Green Lake, and other towns at the same time? One sad, sober forest ranger says yes.

“Things aren’t gonna be the same now,” says Rita Pitcher. “Over there [the missing land] is where I used to smoke the weirdest stuff.”

 

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