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I want a different glass of water. This one’s got a fingerprint on it from where the waiter picked it up. Did he come back yet?

Wait, how to tell if food is still edible. Well, did you know that when I worked at a pickle factory, I had to check the pickles to see if they were ripe yet. Pickles grow very slowly, like rutabagas. They don’t like to come out of the ground, ever, except in warm climates with business-friendly governments. Frank Sinatra once had bad food and he threw up. Actually he threw up on me and said, “Max, baby, what the hell happened to you?” He was doing a club date at the time and I had to fill in for a few songs. Then a guy named George went up and did a song but he was no good, so people threw vegetables at him. I collected the vegetables and studied them until they went bad and that’s how I know all this.

And then there’s books, but they don’t go bad unless they’re made of food. I knew a fella who made a book out of food but he kept taking it to book publishers and they’d say “We don’t do food here” and the food makers would say “We don’t publish books” so finally he ate it. It had gone bad because he didn’t print an expiration date on his manuscript. The damn government makes you do that now, but not then.

In 1088 the king of France told a priest that if there was food to be had, God would probably want it cooked well, and that’s where ovens come from. He made the priest built an oven out of stone, and so he had to chisel the word “Kenmore” on there. It took six years to build and then when it was done they forgot to put the door on, so they had to wait until he built the door. The priest died three years later without finishing the door, but by that time the king was dead too so he didn’t mind.

He didn’t die of starvation though.

The microwave is another useful kitchen tool as long as you don’t use it to keep things cold. It is no good for that. My one friend Barney used to do that when he was getting on in years. He knew the microwave wasn’t the freezer, but he didn’t feel like reaching up there cause his back was shot. He didn’t die of starvation either but all his food went bad. So if you put your food in the microwave and expect it to get cold, your food will go bad.

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