Humpty Dumpty Put Back Together Again

Scientists do what king’s horses and king’s men could not.

Scientific discovery continued unabated this week as a research team led by Green Lake’s own Drs. Billy Watson and Renee Janowitz did the impossible: they put Humpty Dumpty back together again.

Despite numerous attempts by king’s horses and king’s men to put the giant wall-sitting egg-man’s pieces back together again, the Green Lake team rendered Dumpty complete for the first time since his fall many years ago. But why were they successful after so many failures? “The king’s horses and the king’s men were, well, pretty stupid,” said Janowitz at a press conference. “I’m not sure why they were picked to perform delicate microsurgery. Still, we’re pleased that we could do what they couldn’t.”

“Not only is he [Dumpty] back at 100%, he’s actually healthier than before,” says Watson. “We replaced some of his natural cholesterol with egg white substitute. We also added some preservatives, so he’ll last longer in the shell.”

The near five year struggle to complete the project is a story of near-perfect visions and near-horrific mishaps. Watson first began to look for funding in 1995, but met with little success. He then embarked on a book tour, impersonating authors and signing copies of their books for extra cash. “One time in Nashville Tom Clancy said he was gonna kick my hinder for stealing all his autograph money. Well, all the money’s gone now, so the yoke’s on him! OH YEAH!!! WHAT A PUN!!!” But stress, scientific roadblocks and dwindling funds caused Watson’s luck to go sour soon after. A third nervous breakdown in as many months was notable for his trying to convince passersby that spinach dip was the cause of the Franco-Prussian War. Supervisory control of the project was turned over to Janowitz, a Harvard Business School grad with no science background. She overcame both financial and scientific obstacles using the “duct tape theory” of modern repair and reported success in the New England Journal of Medicine.

Green Lake mayor W. Philip Evans congratulated the scientists at a recent ceremony. “Your vigilance has given hope to cracked eggs everywhere,” he mumbled in a whiskey haze while trying to read the speech handed to him before the event.

As for Humpty Dumpty, he’s heading for the TV talk show circuit. First up is a heart-to-heart with Oprah about the burdens of being broken into thousands of small pieces. Asked if he’d sit on another wall, he quipped, “I dunno… I’m sitting on the fence on that issue!”

The scientists are currently securing funding to for their next project: hoisting Jack and Jill back up the hill for their water-gathering mission.

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