Max Banner

Max Banner

That show where they’d tell you to believe something or not was really good before they got that little weiner boy in there. He doesn’t even know what he’s talking about half the time. “The planet Earth has seven continents!” What a punk. I bet somebody had to write that bit down for him or he’d forget. He should go on one of those game shows where they teach you about continents and oceans and stuff.

I went on a game show as a celebrity panelist. They put me up in the top middle square and then somebody said “I’ll take Max Banner to block.” I said, “You do your own blocking, missy, or you’ll be sorry.” Then the host laughed and said, “Ok, what part of the red-throated squash bird is red?” and I said, “You look it up yourself or I’ll throw you out of here, you bum.” They paid me extra for that one. I guess they got good ratings that day.

The weiner boy could go right up there at the top, except he probably doesn’t know what part of the red-throated squash bird is red. That figures. I’ll have to set him straight before he goes on there or he’ll make a fool of himself again.

The other guy was no better. Always talking about ancient tombs and people who could eat fire, all sorts of nonsense. He never mentioned the post office down the street from me, not once. What kind of TV personality is that? I guess I’ll have to tell you about it sometime. Oh, now? Ok. My post office is haunted by the spirit of George Washington’s brother Earl, who was waiting for his tax refund when a gang of drunken Pony Express horses mugged him and he died. So every April 15th he shows up there as a ghost and asks everybody, “Have you a parcel for me today, friend?” A crooked postmaster used the money to buy himself some new socks, so there’s a curse on the post office that makes all your tax returns come late if you bought socks during the fiscal year.

Go ahead and choose “or not” if you want. When they put the weiner boy on that game show and ask “Which president has a brother who haunts a post office?” then you’ll believe it.

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