I Tell Every Dog My Bank Number

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Dog in a suit

Remember how old-time people used to bite coins to make sure they were real? Don’t do that with a check. I read about a guy who won the lottery, and they gave him one of those giant checks for the photo op and he bit into it to make sure it was real. Only then he decided it was real and delicious, so he pulled out a bottle of ketchup and spent the next twenty minutes eating the whole thing. They had to use the lottery money to hire a busboy to clean up after him. Why he had a bottle of ketchup at a lottery ceremony is still a mystery.

Here is another thing you shouldn’t bite into to test if it’s real: rollercoasters. That’s how George Washington’s teeth came out. But they were getting loose from him biting coins all the time anyway. Back then presidents had to test every new coin personally or they couldn’t go into circulation. And he was the first president, so they’d saved up all the coins from the revolution for him to try out. Too bad they hadn’t invented ketchup yet, cause it probably would’ve helped.

Today, of course, the president doesn’t have to bite every coin; they have computers do it. They’re actually robotic dogs, but they don’t show you the robotic dog room when you visit the mint. They keep the robot dogs hidden because people would get scared. And if investors saw people running out of the mint screaming they’d figure there was a panic going on and the market would crash. At that point the robotic dogs are programmed to take control of the money supply and do TV appearances to calm the public. The stars of sitcoms are legally required to appear with robot dogs at the Thanksgiving parade if there’s a national emergency going on. So anyway, they just tell the tourists that “computers bite into the coins” and that’s that.

The funny part is, my brother Dolph once invented a board game called “Save Our Currency From Mechanical Dogs” and he couldn’t find a company to sell it for him. They said the mechanical dogs were too scary, but maybe they were worried that the mechanical dogs would fight the robot dogs over who could control the money. Me, I pet the mechanical dogs and the robot dogs just the same. I don’t have a dog in that fight. Heh, I always liked that joke.

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