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The pain of losing the league championship is something most bowling teams don’t really understand. They think it’s all just giving high-fives to be supportive. All the time I see these people coming back from their league night in tears, saying “Why didn’t someone tell me life could be this hard…” You can’t high-five your way out of fourth place.

Fortunately there are lots of ways to train to be a better bowler. Like practicing. This means doing better at bowling. Eating cheese fries don’t count, unless you line them up like they were bowling pins and throw a ball at them. And at that point, you’re lining cheese fries up instead of eating them and what’s that all about. Lining up cheese fries. Why don’t you just get a job? Would it kill you? It’s not like you’re getting better at bowling or anything.

Of course, if you got a job, your chance at improving your bowling game are pretty much shot. Once you start the job, you’ll be coming home going “I’m just too tired to bowl, maybe tomorrow night” and your game goes to pot. Or you go to the bowling lanes, only you spend the whole time working on a report for the office and you keep having the unemployed guy take your turn for you. Then you’ve created a team of unemployed guys, who probably spend all day eating cheese fries instead of contributing to society. You’re back in the same spot as before. It’s like a loop.

The only way out is to devote yourself entirely to bowling, or to cheese fries. You have to pick one or the other. Now each has their pluses and minuses. Cheese fries have lots of cheese, while bowling has small cash prizes that you have to split with three or four other people. Cheese fries are fried. Bowling is a game. Cheese fries are like two dollars and don’t require a change of shoes and if you throw a ball at them you’re pretty dumb. (Again, get a job.) Then again, if you smother melted cheese-flavored goo all over a bowling ball you’re not exactly rocking the casbah, are you? High five!

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