I’d Never Belong To Any Merger Of Over Sixty Groups That Would Have Me As A Member

In Reports from Green Lake by Brady Carlson0 Comments

It’s a different kind of merger. Different meaning ‘not that useful.’

With membership in local clubs and organizations at an all-time low, Green Lakers have chosen to combine most of the major local clubs and organizations into one larger group.

The new group will be known as the Community Theater of Green Lake Divorced and Widowed Boys and Girls League of Women Toastmasters Garden Club Players Anonymous for Humanity.

Says one member, “The plus side is that we only buy one classified ad in the ‘Local Groups’ section of the Green Lake Flagbearer! And we only need one booth at the Let’s Stand In Line for Nine Hours Festival!”

Not every local group has merged, however. The county chapter of the Breastfeeders’ League opted out when representatives from the Green Lake Men’s Chorus refused to breastfeed children in the local HACK (Hungry and Cranky Kids) program during meetings.

The Green Lake Motorcycle and Soft-Core Porn Club followed suit and withdrew from the new group, though this split was amicable, according to group secretary “Lizard Joe”: “While we wish this new group well, the bikers and porn enthusiasts of this town feel that too much centralization can result in one watered-down message, with alternative viewpoints being shunted toward the back row. It’s the same issue TR himself wrestled with as the bitter fruits of the Gilded Age ripened. And speaking of fruit, the other reason is that we don’t feel that good about watching ‘9 ½ Weeks’ with a bunch of little kids around.”

Finally, Green Lake Democrats opted out of the merger, believing that it left out the poor, while Republicans of Green Lake declined to join amidst rumors that the new group would be funded by the United Nations.

Further trouble came when the leaders of the merging groups sat down to combine all the groups’ mission statements into one. Negotiations have continued for nearly a month, but with plenty of work still to do, as the mission statement as it stands now is over seventy-five pages long. “And don’t even ask about revamping the bylaws until 2014. I’m just way too busy to think about that right now,” says Velma Dylan, Vice-President of the Young Procrastinators Club.

The group is not completely without success, however. A performing arts subcommittee has announced plans for a debut production to be staged on film within the next year. “Laila’s First Kiss” will be a thoughtful, family-friendly musical/spoken-word drama-ballet with an ensemble cast of local clowns and jugglers. According to co-author John McWiddy of Green Lake Sci-Fi Gamers, the story is about “a lesbian who falls in love with a Klingon, and can only be rescued from the villainous RX’nuohrs of planet Fhanstij by playing a dice-based game that is sweeping the nation- I mean, their home planet. And then she falls in love with a slightly overweight balding guy who lives in the basement. Uh, the basement of his home planet.” Videos, DVD’s and t-shirts are not yet planned, but members from the Green Lake Crafters’ Corner plan to sell still pictures from “Laila’s First Kiss” as depicted in macramé, as well as ceramic figurines of the RX’nuohrs torturing humans and other galactic creatures.

The new group, CTGLDWBGLWTGCPAH for short, meets every night of the week, year-round, at the Green Lake Community House.

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