Lame New World Week 3: Thank You Jesus, But Our Princess is in Another Castle

I confess, last week’s pregnant Willie Aames-bot was really enough to scare me out of continuing this project, and focus on other things, like therapy. But an odd thing happened – I got a telephone call, and it was either from my mother-in-law or a robotic Scott Baio (it was a scratchy connection)! Whoever it was, and whatever it was they said (assuming they even called), the tone was clear: don’t give up, no matter how frightening the news! Maybe putting Charles in charge of me is the wu wei of our time; to be free, let the river that is Baio flow, and swim with its tide. Ok. I’ve found my center, let us begin.

The rules, once again: each submission can gain its movement up to ten points, or lose up to five. We’ve also modified one of our movements a bit – since “periodic table” is a bit specific, we’re going to allow any math or science-related stuff into that category. If we didn’t, this already-questionable competition would fall flat on its face and we’re only in week three. So…

The Star Wars Movement

Seinfeld does Star Wars

Seinfeld Wars, eh? I gotta say, this doesn’t really do it for me. While the art is well done, especially Newman hovering over everybody, it just doesn’t quite match up. How is Kramer like Threepio? And is George supposed to be Han Solo, or is there a portly character wearing plaid shirts in the original picture? I just don’t think the Force is quite with this week’s entry.

Points: -1

The Robot Movement

Another week, another creepy peek into the worldview of robot designers. I’m happy it’s not another fantasy fembot, but a child slave-bot isn’t exactly what I was hoping for in its place. Initially I thought this project might find the evidence that the robot people really were leading us toward a “Terminator”-style dystopian future, but it really looks more like “KISS Meets the Phantom of the Park,” where the robots are more creepy and irritating than bloodthirsty and violent. As such, I’m thinking we don’t need an anti-robot resistance, we need a good solid expose from “Dateline NBC” to stop the insanity.

Keith Morrison reports on the robot slave-buggy

Aren’t there any normal folks among you, robot people? Come on, you’re off to a worse start than the Cubs in… well, any year.

Points: -2

The Math and Science Movement

Known formerly as the Periodic Table Movement, I’m thinking the new, broader category might lead to some really interesting, clever ideas.

Pi shower curtain

Spoke too soon, I guess. Ok, a Pi shower curtain really isn’t all that bad – it’s got the first 4600 digits of Pi printed on the outside, and that’s kind of impressive. I’m not quite sure what the utility is here, though. Am I supposed to stand in the bathroom while you’re taking a shower and learn these numbers? Is this your way of coaxing me into some irrational expressions? I just want to be friends, ok? And I’m damn sure not going to use your washroom when I visit.

Points: +2

The Video Game Movement

What the hell? Super Mario Jesus makes even less sense than Seinfeld Wars – I don’t remember any point in Scripture where the savior has to eat a mushroom and get taller, nor do I remember Mario choking out piranha plants or bodyslamming Bowser. I’m starting to wonder if homemade YouTube videos don’t have continuity directors anymore.

Points: -2

The LEGO Movement

LEGO snowman

A LEGO computer mouse. Look, I’m just going to take a nap, and when I wake up I’m going to find much more interesting items for this project, right? You’re all going to go out and make Star Wars Cuisinarts and Tetris-style robot cars… please?

Points: +2

So, after week three, the standings are as follows:

S.Wars Robots Science V.Games LEGO

10

-8

12

9

14

Until next week…

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