Bush is in the White House, and Martin Bechet lost to him by about 50 million votes.
Independent candidate Martin Bechet ended his presidential campaign with a fiery, drunken concession speech at a local bar Thursday night. Surrounded by his campaign staff- live-in girlfriend Susie Jo Somers, fraternity brother Walter â€œWinkyâ€ Biddleberg and the boys of Scout troop 18, Bechet pounded beer after beer while railing against his opponents and the â€œriggedâ€ popular vote, which he lost by over 50 million votes.
â€œGeorge Bush can $#*! himself, man, and so can Gal… uh, Al Gore,â€ Bechet said. He was then helped to the door by the bouncer, Eugene Verdon. â€œLook, I donâ€™t got a beef with that guy [Bechet], but when he brings Scouts in with fake IDâ€™s I gotta take charge. What a weird freakinâ€™ guy, anyway.â€
Like bouncer Verdon, the rest of the country was puzzled by Bechetâ€™s campaign. Unlike the strategic, region-based electoral strategies used by Bush and Gore, Bechet focused his entire campaign on winning over voters in Kennebec, Wyoming (pop. 4000). Political analyst Leslie Doodleburg suggested the Bechet campaign did have a plan, however unorthodox: â€œThey probably figure if they win over Kennebec then the message will slowly spread from there. Itâ€™s a domino theory. No chance in hell of working, but damn, Iâ€™ll support anything that keeps Doris Kearns Goodwin off TV for ten more minutes!â€ Bechet seemed to concur. â€œIâ€™m gonna build my political base here,â€ the candidate told a reporter for the Kennebec Star-Republican. â€œItâ€™s gonna look like Dr. Noâ€™s base in the James Bond movie. Hey, which movie was Dr. No in, anyway?â€
Campaign stops outside of Kennebec werenâ€™t any more fruitful, and usually consisted of Bechet pounding beers while Susie Jo Somers jumped up and down wearing a tight t-shirt. But if passersby stopped to watch, the would-be First Couple would argue and stomp off, without publicizing the campaign.
Bechet 2000 was not entirely unsuccessful, though, as he received the endorsement of the Green Lake Motorcycle and Soft-core Porn Club, which had withheld its endorsement in 1996. â€œThis dudeâ€™s all right,â€ said club treasurer â€œMooseâ€ Johnson. â€œAnd his girlfriendâ€™s good… really good.â€
Bechetâ€™s choice for vice-president was characteristically odd: curator Martin Daniels of the Green Lake County Zoo. Daniels, 76, who had never even met Bechet before the selection, was disturbed by the choice: â€œI wonâ€™t do it,â€ he said in a televised interview. â€œVice-presidents have to throw a lot of pies, at foreign receptions and such. I donâ€™t like custard, by God, I donâ€™t care what the Constitution says.â€ Bechet publically blamed his running mate for the ticketâ€™s lack of popularity in a rambling interview on ABCâ€™s â€œThis Weekâ€: â€œI donâ€™t know what his [Daniels] problem is, that pretty-boy zoo freak. Yâ€™know what? Iâ€™ll bet heâ€™d rather have sex with his giraffes than win the election. I tell ya Cokie and Sam, if I win this thing, Iâ€™m gonna throw those giraffes out on their butts and take that pervert on the town and get him a hot chick.â€ Roberts replied: â€œSo youâ€™re saying that your running mate has sex with animals?â€ Commentator George Will added: â€œNo, Cokie, heâ€™s just saying heâ€™s supporting traditional family values.â€
The rest of Bechetâ€™s platform, including â€œblowing up everything I donâ€™t likeâ€ and â€œtax relief for me and the boysâ€ didnâ€™t resonate in Kennebec or anywhere else, and he received only 87 votes nationally.
Bechet, who lost his job as a bank teller during the campaign (â€œHe never told us he was taking time off,â€ says bank manager Lana Witt), plans to â€œhang out with the guys a lot,â€ ostensibly to plan his next political move.