They took sides against themselves… and won.

A recent Green Lake report featured Wanda Fitzbubble, partner in the legal team of Dunlap, Finley, Poellinetz, Fitzbubble and Their Big Band, who made waves in recent weeks by claiming that she had been sent by God to copyright the Bible and collect royalties. Had that story been reported but two weeks later, the firm would be known only as Poellinetz, Fitzbubble and Their Big Band. What happened to Dunlap and Finley? Oddly, they don’t exist anymore. Even more oddly, they were the lawyers who argued the case against their own existence.

Jeffrey Dunlap and Julianne Finley have (er, had, sorry) been the top lawyers in Green Lake, putting together the monstrously successful partnership that no longer bears their names. They were known for taking- and winning- any case dropped into their briefcases. Dunlap literally lived in his office, with a small floor-anchored cot smothered in legal and Hanes briefs alike. Finley risked career for principle by defending a client in a wrongful locker-room towel snapping case, then switching sides to appeal the verdict after winning (naturally, she won the appeal). The secret of their success? I talked with one source, who told me that the two were “Satanists. They worked for EVIL, I tell ya!” I turned to a more reputable source, who suggested an intense competitive drive and a love of talking brought them gobs of success and money.

Which brings us to last month, when a group called Legal Reform and Gum-Free Sidewalks For Wisconsin came to Green Lake and hired the pair to argue in court that they didn’t exist. Says LRGFSFW spokeswoman Myrtle Liverwiller: “Lawyers like that don’t belong in court. Now, put that Dentyne in the trash or I’ll stab you with my car keys.”

Dunlap and Finley prepared vigorously for the case. To ensure that their personal defense would fail against their client’s case, they hired Tyrone Winchell, a 41-year-old professional toilet user. Prior to the opening gavel, Winchell wrote a note to Judge Luther Coleman with such impressive legalisms as “I think you’re cute” and “My judge win please, Mr. Silly Buddy.” It was no surprise, then, that Coleman took no more than 45 minutes in finding that Dunlap and Finley did not exist.

The two lawyers celebrated their win, as they did after every win, with a lobster dinner at El Greco’s in downtown Green Lake. But trouble resulted: the waiter refused to take personal checks from people who didn’t exist, and they were forced to wash dishes for seven hours while standing on their heads. Things went from bad to worse when the Green Lake Flagbearer paper picked up the story. Within days, their legal firm dropped their names from the firm name, their offices were rented out to a clown-for-hire service, and Dunlap’s wife Marcia remarried. The pair haven’t been seen since, and with Fitzbubble still trying to collect divine royalties, partner Gene Poellinetz was left with the task of finding them, which he declined. “I figure, if they don’t exist, how am I supposed to have people look for them?”

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