Local Poison Center’s Power Gets Diluted

In Reports from Green Lake by Brady Carlson0 Comments

With Green Lake’s Poison Action Center rendered powerless, local stupid people are scared to do almost anything.

Ignorant children eating paint chips were dealt a major blow this week when the National Poison Action Center Board revoked its accreditation of the Green Lake Poison Action Center. The charge? Attempting to merge with the local 911 service.

“Poison prevention has to be the top priority for all Americans,” says NPACB chairwoman Heidi Sue Reston, “and associating with other so-called ‘Emergency’ groups like the police and fire departments just waters down the urgency of the problem. I mean, who ever heard of a paramedic saving someone’s life?”

Green Lake Poison Action Center (PAC) director X. Hugh Schwartz says Reston’s position “is so totally wrong. Anybody who swallowed that baloney would need some ipecac syrup to barf it back out. Sorry, just a little PAC joke there.”

The idea to merge all emergency services was originally proposed by community activist Gerald Nimoy, who says he is “disturbed by life, er, um, this decision. Look, if you accidentally swallow battery acid and you call 911, they give you this spiel about how there’s nothing they can do about it and you have to call Poison Action Center cause they’re the ones who handle it. Poison Action Center has a really weird phone number that’s not even in our area code! If we’d hooked it up with 911, some people in this town, including some of those who are being quoted at this very moment, might not have needed butt implants last year. To boost their self-esteem because of a certain battery acid incident. AND FOR NO OTHER REASON!!!”

While merging the services may have saved Nimoy’s butt, among other things, the fallout from the NPACB’s revocation will likely cause further problems for the ingest-first, ask-questions-later crowd in Green Lake. As a quasi-governmental authority, NPACB can give- or take away- the right to advise victims of poison ingesting. “Without accreditation,” says director Schwartz, “we can’t tell people what to do when they poison themselves or each other. We can’t even tell them to dilute the poison with milk or water and then call us. All we can do now is empathize. Something like ‘Wow, that’s a tough situation, man. I hope you pull through.’”

On the bright side, local mobsters hailed the revocation as a boon to their illicit dealings. “Now my client denies every single accusation against him, and he’s never done anything wrong,” says Darius Green, lawyer for J. P. McDougal and the infamous McDougal family. “But if he WAS into killing and robbing and protection rackets and numbers and all that, you know, ordering assassinations and such, we’re talking hypothetically here, yes, that would be good for business. Specifically, the killing and robbing businesses. Uh, the hypothetical ones, anyway. There would be rotten snitches buried from here to that little alley just off Dervish Square where we put this one… uh… I’m speaking totally hypothetically. Can you hand me the fake mustache and dark glasses over there?”

The Green Lake PAC plans to appeal the revocation, but in the meantime, Green Lake Police Chief reminded townspeople that “while we support the PAC, don’t expect us 911 folks to pick up the slack. You’re dumb enough to drink shampoo, you’re on your own!”

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