Max Banner

I was at this medieval festival once and everybody was from the Middle Ages. They had knights dressed up with armor and swords, and a king and queen, and a jester, and some guy doing magic tricks or something. I told the jester guy that he was at a medieval festival, and if he wanted to act like a Middle Ages guy he should go to the Middle Ages festival, but he just did a little dance and said “come this way, ye honorable lord, and enjoy thy comforts of the Renaissance Festival.” So I got really mad and said, “listen up, you dumb turkey, you’re acting like a Middle Ages guy at a Renaissance Festival which is actually a medieval festival. Get it right!” Then he did a cartwheel and took my ticket and I couldn’t take it anymore so I stole his hat and put mud in it and gave it back to him.

There were elephants in the Middle Ages, but you never hear about them. Why? Because they don’t know what time they’re actually in! Elephants are really good at remembering what time period they’re reenacting, that’s where that saying “an elephant never forgets when he’s in a medieval festival and not a Middle Ages one” comes from. Also, playing cards are good for remembering that. I had to dress up as a Middle Ages guy once and so I dressed up like the Jack of Clubs. My friend Ed was the Jack of Diamonds because that was his time period, not mine. We kept going into bars where guys were playing cards and diving onto the table when they tried to shuffle the cards. “Deal me, buddy!” we’d say. We’d bet on ourselves at the blackjack tables sometimes. It wasn’t easy but we made a few bucks that way.

What I’d want to see would be a battle between a bunch of Middle Ages guys at the medieval Renaissance festival fight a bunch of guys dressed up like playing cards. Steven Spielberg could make it into a movie. General 10 Of Clubs could get into a big dramatic fight with the jester guy, and he’d win by taking his muddy hat and beheading him with it. “Your mud has bemuddened you,” he’d say, and the jester would go “aaaagh” because he wouldn’t have a head. Then the Lieutenant Five Of Hearts would show up just in time to get trampled by the Middle Ages elephants, and she’d go “ow” and the elephant would go, “back in the discard pile for you, jerk!” Playing cards would make good soldiers because they’re so thin. They’d just turn sideways and nobody could shoot them. Robin Hood could probably shoot them but he wouldn’t be in the battle. He’s an actual medieval guy and they wouldn’t be allowed to fight for the Middle Ages.

In conclusion, the medieval people were more interesting back then, because now they’re all dead and they don’t tell as many good jokes or explain why they did stupid stuff like leeches. That’s another reason why playing cards would be good- no leeches.

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