Midprice Sedans And The Decline of The Wild West

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Years and years ago there was a cowboy who loved to go up to other cowboys and yell “Draw!” The guy would pull his gun and get ready to shoot, but the first cowboy would pull out crayons and say “Hey, man, I meant draw a picture!” He thought this was the funniest joke in the world but none of the other cowboys could stand it. So they kicked him out of being a cowboy and from then on, cowboys communicated by shooting at each other. They’d only speak if there wasn’t a phrase in Shooting At Each Other that meant the same thing. So “hello” was out, but things like “Howdy pardner” or “Let’s go to the saloon” or “Black Bart wears women’s undershorts” survived.

Obviously this became a problem, in that the cowboys who couldn’t shoot worth a crap would go up to another cowboy and try to say “could I borrow a quarter for a raspberry scone,” only they’d wind up shooting the guy instead. The ones who could shoot were in short supply, but because they could say what they meant to say without casualties they were important. That’s where the term “straight shooter” comes from – one who can speak without murdering the person to whom you’re speaking.

So where do midprice sedans come in? Well, haven’t you ever heard of Wild Bob’s Discount Motors? That was founded a long time ago by a guy named Fred, or maybe Wild Bob. Anyway, this guy started selling midprice sedans with affordable APR financing to all the cowpokes in town. Things were going pretty good until his Canada Day Sales Event, first because there wasn’t a Canada yet and second because all these people showed up to buy sedans and they all thought they could get a really great deal. So they’re all making offers and counteroffers, and they’re making them in Shooting At Each Other, not in English. All the cars were ruined and there were like two cowboys left. So being successful ruined them. Which just goes to show you.

Finally the two cowboys decided not to shoot at each other to communicate, so that made things safer. But they didn’t like using English anymore either, so they started doing mime. And that was a problem because everyone wanted to shoot at them. So it was just one problem after another. Today, no one shoots at each other as a language; it’s just recreation now. Mime is going strong (I think) but they luckily don’t use it to negotiate deals on cars. The sales guy would say “My manager says I can give you a 10 pack of car washes, but I can’t go lower than $23 thousand” and the cowboy-mime would be doing that box routine. Society would unravel.

So, to wrap up: be careful when you buy a car, shoot someone, or become a mime. There are consequences.

 

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