Max Banner

The other day my shoe walked past this booth at the pier about “What’s your political beliefs?” and it turns out the shoe’s a libertarian. “Nobody tells me what to do,” it said, and then we walked over and got a pamphlet.

I didn’t see what the fuss was all about, and neither did the other shoe. “What’s he all uptight about,” the other shoe asked. But I just shrugged, and then we walked over to get one of those pretzels with the dough on the outside. Do libertarians eat those pretzels or are they all weird about them? Who knows. The shoe wouldn’t tell me, and shoes don’t eat anyway.

Then I went to the greeting card shop and tried to pick out a card for the shoe, to congratulate it on figuring out that it was a libertarian. But they don’t have a section for shoes at the greeting card shop, so I picked out one that said “Hope You Have a Joe Cool 5th Birthday, Grandson!” “Grandson” has some of the same letters as “shoe” so maybe the shoe wouldn’t notice. I didn’t know how well libertarian shoes read, so I called the party headquarters and asked. “They read as well as they choose to read,” said the guy on the phone. “But just between you and me, if the shoe doesn’t read that well, it’s probably because he’s being held back by the authoritarians at the public school system.”

I was worried then, I didn’t want the shoe to be held back, so I went into a school and told them to get a tutor for my shoe or the shoe’d start kicking. They sent the librarian to go get a book about shoes and I looked through that for a while, and then I walked home. I didn’t want to overwork the shoe, since it was only his first day. But tomorrow he’ll start on phonics. Start with the basics, I always say, whether it’s a kid or a shoe.

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