Now Batting For Cleveland: A Lamp

Tom Lampkin as "Lamp"

TO: TEAM OWNER, GENERAL MANAGER, ASSISTANT TO THE GENERAL MANAGER:

FROM: BRADY CARLSON, INDEPENDENT CONSULTANT

Hello,

As requested, I have completed the scouting reports and analysis you requested. From what we discussed at last week’s strategy and bagel-throwing session, I see three options to improve the team’s abilities:

1) We can find an established player with professional-level experience and bring him on, either from the free agent pool or via a trade.

2) We can call up a minor league prospect, give him plenty of training in the preseason, and hope he fulfills his potential during the regular season.

3) We can hire this lamp:

Tom Lampkin as "Lamp"

To be honest, I’m leaning toward option #3. Veteran players can be injury-prone, or worse, they can demand exorbitant salaries. Rookie players can fizzle out without much return on the investment. And neither of them provide much in the way of luminosity. And that means big productivity on and off the field – like, say, when it’s nighttime and you’re reading in bed. You wouldn’t turn to your spouse and say “honey, could you flip on the baseball player?” Of course not. You’d go with the lamp.

Finally, his sleek design offers great aesthetic value, and his cord length means versatility and flexibility. I’d be comfortable putting Lamp in any position on the field.

I know this recommendation comes out of left field (see what I did there?) but it’s the right move for this team. And since I won’t be making any further recommendations until you promise to stop throwing bagels at me, I urge you to make the move as quickly as possible.

I look forward to assisting you with team-lamp negotiations. Here’s to a great season!

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