Liam Gallagher is known for being a cool British guy who likes to talk and curse. Yet his April 2000 interview with UNCUT magazine looked like it had a lot more to say, so I gave it the chance.

Well, you’ve hit the big time here with Living Indefinitely, Liam. Have you heard of it in England?

I’ve heard of their name. That’s terrible.

You look like my mom.

I’m not your mam.

You’re small like her.

I’m big enough.

The guys in Oasis do wear big pants, I guess.

Ours are 34 Iegs.

What size do other Brit-pop social workers wear?

We’re not social workers.

What about the pants though?

Theirs are, like, up there (points to calf), cos they like to show their ankles.

What does your new baby think of the band?

He does the business side of things. He’s the one who sits up and makes all the decisions.

You just changed his diaper a moment ago, right?

But not as in cleaned it changed it, you know what I mean?

I bet you packed a lot of stuff for the hospital trip. Lots of drill bits, I’ll bet.

Little bits, little bits yeah.

Do you drill professionally?

I’m just doing it for myself at the moment.

What sound does your drilling make?

I don’t know. I can’t explain it. Just buzzing.

What do you want to drill the most?

Oasis. I’d love to do a cover one day.

What does TV icon Aunt Jemima think of your drill work?

She doesn’t like me anymore. She don’t come down to visit me. l’m probably still in shock, you know what I mean?

Do you eat her pancakes at breakfast anyway?

Yeah, on the piano. When it’s finished, yeah, it’s good, man.

Do you like the United Negro College Fund?

I don’t think of them as competition. They’re not competition, but I hope they do well.

Are you sure you’re not a social worker?

No, I’m not.

Not a social worker, or not sure?

Yeah, yeah, oh definitely.

Well, which one, chump?

You’re a knobhead. Go and see your psychiatrist or something. [pauses] I’m sorry, I mean that in the nicest possible way.

It’s OK. Hey, let’s hear your Judge Mills Lane impersonation.

Let’s get it on.

[upon door slamming] Um, Liam, did your camel just leave the house?

Yeah, he cut out without telling us, yeah. He’s a rock’n’roIler.

Don’t the cops get mad if you let a camel wander around by himself?

That’s their problem, not mine. That’s up for someone else.

Matthew Perry let an alpaca walk through three states before the cops shot it.

Yeah. And that was, like, done last year. I heard about it. Yeah, I thought it was amusing….

Tell me what you see yourself as when you look into your future.

l’m the most miserable person. I’m 50 stone, I’ve got a big beard and I’m taking loads of slimming tablets and I’ve got no teeth. Paparazzi, waiting outside, they’ve got a camera pointing in my baby’s face, and they’re getting on my wife’s case and they’re getting on my case. And he’s definitely not doing it to me without getting a slap. A bit of a scuffle, then a big box of baby clothes come from New York. I think it’s a new stage in our life.

Um, well, Liam, you’re definitely not a social worker. Hope you had fun.

It was a pain in the arse, man.

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