Green Lake preacher says “prayer spam” is keeping the Almighty from his godly duties

Terrorism clouds the skies. Pollution clouds the skies. Poverty and hopelessness and war and despair cloud the, um, skies. Even clouds cloud the skies. (And let’s not even get into the tremendous shortage of good produce in most metropolitan areas.) Our world is in constant crisis, and the worst part is that even if we solve all these problems, we’re still all going to catch awful diseases and reach the end of our existence miserable, alone and in excruciating pain. Some say we’ve failed as a species, and it’s hard to disagree.

But why is this happening? What’s causing this terrible fate to befall humanity? According to Reverend Gary Myers, pastor at Blessed Cafe Episcopal Church and Coffee, “prayer spam” is clogging the channels of communication between the Almighty and the rest of us.

“It’s quite simple, actually,” Myers told his congregation at last Sunday’s religious service and writer’s circle. “For every one of us that’s asking God for healing or acceptance, there’s ten or twenty prayers for God to buy The Patch for their man, or to find the best adult dating sites on the web, or even to help transfer money for Mr. Harold, the cousin of the former Prince of Nigeria. Even the all-knowing, all-powerful creator of the universe can’t keep up with all the prayer spam that’s coming his way. Now, who’d like to start this week’s poems?”

Myers has been tracking prayer spam for nearly a year. “I noticed it first in our services at Blessed Cafe,” he said. “We’d open the floor up to anybody who wanted to offer intentions. Usually that’s when a guy says a prayer for his mom in the hospital, or somebody offers a prayer for the troops or something. But this one day, I’ll never forget it, eighteen people got up in a row and said ‘Online pharmacy cheap.’ That’s all they said, ‘online pharmacy cheap.’ I knew then and there something was up.” After a weeklong meditation where he consumed nothing but iced cappuchinos, Myers began an investigation, sending “test prayers” to the Almighty. Only one of his hundreds of prayers was answered (and, adds Myers, “the fact that ‘Charles in Charge’ was on that Saturday was probably a coincidence”), and he became convinced that God was so deluged by prayer spam that His power to help humanity was being hampered.

But finding the cause of a problem isn’t the same as finding a solution, and so Myers’ congregation is busy brainstorming ways to unclog the glut of hair in the religious drain. Blessed Cafe tried installing filters at each doorway, hoping to weed out spammers, but the filters inadvertently blocked several prayers. “All I ever wanted was a wooden leg,” said Marisol Davis, 79. “Thanks to their half-wit spam filter, I got to stick with my two real legs. Plus, I got mugged by a circus clown on my way back from the church.” For the time being the congregation removes spammers from services as quickly as possible; they’re also encouraging God to adopt an “opt-in” policy toward prayers.

But what if it doesn’t work, and the prayer spam keeps coming? Will the human race eventually flicker out in despair, crying “My God, why hast Thou forsaken me?” “Oh, goodness, no,” Myers says, smiling. “We have a contingency plan – we’ll start worshipping Scott Baio instead. If the spam gets so bad that we can’t get any prayers through, we’ll need a new deity to watch out for us, and frankly, if it comes to that, I want Charles in charge of me.”

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