Put All Your Money in Teakettles (But Don’t Turn Them On)

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“Don’t invest in clothing made of nachos. Sure, a hat is one thing, but a pleated nacho cumberbund is just gonna lead to problems.”

If you’ve ever watched a tennis match on TV you’ve probably seen those guys come on and tell you about investing. And you ask yourself, how did they get so tall? Well, when they were younger they invested all their money in height, so that when they reached retirement they could enjoy the benefits of being 90 feet tall. They thought everyone would be so intimidated that they’d have all the money and food they wanted, but the damn government said if a 90 foot tall person scared people into giving them burgers it would be considered taxable income, so they all had to go to work on TV telling tennis fans to invest in other stuff.

I dabbled in the market for a while, or at least during one really long tennis match. They wouldn’t finish and I couldn’t stand it anymore so I went to the booth and ordered 100 shares of a company. At first they seemed confused about it, but I asked a couple more times and they handed me three hot dogs and a nacho hat – I guess that’s what new investors get. It just shows, sometimes persistence pays off. Also, if you go to the market, take down the “no dabbling” signs if there are any. I forgot to look for the signs at the tennis arena and a blue jay stole my nacho hat. So be careful.

But tennis matches aren’t the only place to invest. There’s the dentist’s office, too – I own a controlling interest in molars there. Her patients can’t order their burgers medium well anymore unless I sign off on it. Plus, I get the leftovers. Investing in items in your kitchen works well, too, as long as you don’t put the money in a kettle and forget about it. One guy put all his money in the kettle and then tried to make tea. The fund manager tried to get him on the phone to explain but it was too late. He tried to be positive about it – “now I can trade my cup of tea on the foreign currencies market” – but it just didn’t work.

Here’s what else doesn’t work – investing in clothing made of nachos. Sure, a hat is one thing, but a pleated nacho cumberbund is just gonna lead to problems. The inventor was all excited because it’d help people who spilled food on themselves a lot. That way, they’d be putting food on nachos and it would be ok, but it didn’t actually work out that way. The models kept trying to launch themselves chest-first into vats of hot Velveeta and they all had to go to the burn ward at the hospital. And there wasn’t even any tennis on TV that day, so they missed out on everything.

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