Scientist “in the can, but probably thrilled”; Zealots, nut cases to protest

The number of awards won by the Green Lake scientific community increased by one on Tuesday- to a total of one- when the Parsons Scientific Foundation announced that its Harris Prize would be given to Dr. Harley Rexall of the Potash Group for developing what is now known as Quantum Conspiracy Theory.

The response to this surprising news was ecstatic, with accolades pouring in from across the state. Rexall’s Potash Group colleague, Dr. Wendy Garrel, told reporters that Rexall was “in the can right now, but having worked with him this long, I can say he’s probably thrilled.” Dr. Joan Yuma, a former colleague, added that “Harley’s earned everything he’s gotten. Well, not that ‘Failure to Yield’ citation, but there’s no point in splitting hairs, as my hair-splitting research proved last year.”

It was that fateful citation, for missing seven consecutive stop signs and driving into the Grove River, that put the proverbial lightbulb into Rexall’s head. “At first I thought I just needed to start wearing my glasses when I drove,” Rexall said in a recent interview with “Tube Top Science Monthly” magazine. “But then I thought, maybe there was something more sinister going on. So I started looking into it.”

After securing a $7 million dollar research grant from the Department of Defense, Rexall began his research by visiting local fast food restaurants. When this proved unsuccessful, he asked for help at several area outlets owned by the Mailboxes Etc. chain. These attempts failed as well, but a despondent Rexall found salvation in a phone call from the Green Lake Public Library.

“They said their copy of ‘Quantum Mechanics for Ignorant Freaks’ was on hold for me,” Rexall said. “I had actually ordered ‘Use Quantum Mechanics to Fix Your Roof,’ but it felt like an omen. And the rest, as they say, was history. Er, theory.”

The theory borrows from traditional conspiracy theory, which suggests that invisible forces plot against anyone who might disrupt their hold on power and authority, and from quantum physics, which explains that human measurement is limited to determining a particle’s location or direction, but not both at the same time. As the QCT paper submitted to the Midwestern Journal of Science Stuff states, “You can figure out what the conspiracy is, or who’s behind it, but not both. If you work hard, you can make out some unusual facial features of the conspirators- a lazy eye, or if they’re holding a cat- but nothing more specific than that.”

The Harris Prize is usually given with little fanfare, but Rexall’s selection as this year’s winner has raised the ire of antigovernment nuts. Brigadier General Rusty Jefferson Swenson of the Green Lake Militia says his group will stage a protest outside of the Green Lake Astrotorium and Convention Center during the ceremony. “We know who’s behind the conspiracy, and we know what they’re doing,” Swenson told reporters at a press conference. “Well, we’re not gonna stand for it. We’re gonna fight the Constitution- er, fight against the- no, damn! We like the Constitution!”

The awards banquet will be held next month. The ceremonial Harris crown and scepter will be presented by Dr. Walter Otter of Minnesota Technical College, who won the Prize last year for proving that Satan had been experimenting in musical genres besides heavy metal.

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