Recipe for Disaster

We at Living Indefinitely have always been on the front lines of the quest for knowledge. Who can forget when Active Member STEVE CARLSON did his now-legendary experiment to see if Diet Coke cans exploded better than regular Coke cans when shaken up and thrown? Or when JUMPING BOMB ANGEL learned the dangers of showing up at a college party in Madison, Wisconsin? Or the time Active Member DAVE CARLSON actually went to one of his college classes? Yes, we’re truly at the forefront of learning and knowledge, but this time we’ve even outdone ourselves.

Ever heard that phrase “recipe for disaster,” like when you bring ex-spouses together at a party? (Contrast this with a “recipe for hilarity,” which is when you put those same spouses on “The Jerry Springer Show.”) Most people think that phrase is hypothetical, but there actually is a recipe for disaster, created originally in Macedonia in 345 B.C. as a way to torture civilians captured during wartime. It’s been lost for hundreds of years, but after weekends of research, we at Living Indefinitely Kitchens are proud to say that we have uncovered the true Recipe for Disaster, and are even prouder to share it with all of you!

RECIPE FOR DISASTER
(serves 3 1/2 )

8 cloves garlic, skinned and repeatedly insulted
1 cup yeast
6 cups lard
1 quart buttermilk (room temperature)
1 Lyndon LaRouche for President pamphlet, lightly roasted
1 cup of day-old tea
3 cups all-purpose flour
17 eggs
paprika, to taste

1) Preheat the oven to 750 degrees.

2) Press the garlic cloves one at a time, until everyone in the room has passed out from the fumes.

3) When you come to a short while later, add the yeast and the lard, and blend well in a large bowl.

4) Add the buttermilk to another large bowl.

5) Finely chop the LaRouche pamphlet and add it to the buttermilk. For a more flavorful dish, make sure to leave any instances of the words “Children of Satan” or “Queen Elizabeth is a space alien” completely intact when chopping.

6) Take a sip of the day-old tea, then pour the rest of it into the buttermilk.

7) Mix the flour into the buttermilk. Pour mixture into a lightly greased cake pan and put in oven until completely burnt.

8) Add the eggs to the garlic, yeast and lard, which you have completely forgotten about at this point.

9) Pull the burnt buttermilk mix out of the oven, and pour the garlic/egg/yeast/lard mix on top.

10) Add paprika until dish until it causes wailing, gnashing of teeth, wild crying or nervous breakdowns in your guests.

Bon Appetit!

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