But he forgot to check it twice, so he probably missed a few names.
A Green Lake reporter has raised eyebrows as well as ire by obtaining a copy of Santa Clausâ€™s legendary list of 1999â€™s naughty people. While this reporter will go nameless (I donâ€™t like to give free press to my competitors, for crying out loud!), his actions have sparked a great deal of controversy, excitement and panic among Christmasgoers dying to know which list they fall on.
The reporter claims he got a hold of the list through a source close to the Tooth Fairy. Through this source he was able to pull strings and connect with some disgruntled elves, who consider Santaâ€™s expectations for children be good all year too high. (Another source related to the investigation says that the Justice Department may try to prove Santaâ€™s operation is a monopoly early next year) They grabbed a copy of Santaâ€™s lists, but the U.S. Postal Service lost the â€œniceâ€ list in transit, leaving the reporter with the â€œnaughtyâ€ list.
The North Pole has issued very little official response. Spokes-elf Twinkle said that â€œanyone can say they have the naughty list and try to make a buck off Christmas.â€ Other sources say, however, that Santa has ordered a full review of security procedures at his toyshop.
But the burning question on everyoneâ€™s mind is, of course: whoâ€™s been naughty? I was only allowed to ask about three names for free, as my rival is currently setting up a website (www.coal-watch.org) where people can check their names for a $500 fee (the fee will go up to $1000 in the last 2 hours before Santaâ€™s ride). My first choice was President Bill Clinton, who was on there for misrepresentation of the truth. â€œHonestyâ€™s pretty important to the big red guy,â€ said the reporter.
â€œMoreso than adultery?â€ I replied.
â€œI guess so. Santa doesnâ€™t really know anything about marriage anyway. How could he, when his wife doesnâ€™t even have a first name?â€
My second choice was the Three Tenors, though the reporter forced me to pick only one. I then learned that Luciano Pavarotti had not been naughty at all in 1999.
â€œSome say Pavarotti actually is Santa Claus,â€ I said.
â€œNot anymore they donâ€™t,â€ answered my list-stealing colleague. â€œHe lost a lot of weight this year, and so his belly doesnâ€™t shake like a bowl full of jelly. Now itâ€™s like a half-full bowl, and thatâ€™s on a good day.â€
My third choice was, of course, myself. As he scanned the list for my name I reflected on what Iâ€™d done in the past year: using the top rung of my ladder as a step; playing on or around the dumpster at the office; secretly replacing my friendsâ€™ coffee with Folgers crystals, and then again replacing them with sawdustâ€¦ but I never got my answer.
As he neared the end of the list, the reporter-turned-entrepreneur turned ashen-faced. â€œOh my God,â€ he said, â€œIâ€™M ON HERE!!!â€
â€œFOR STEALING SANTAâ€™S LIST!!!â€
Hmph. Serves him right.
Then again, maybe all those $500 and $1000 charges to his website will cheer him up.