North Pole urges citizens to stay in bed on Christmas Day
Changing a tradition as old as Christmas itself, a North Pole spokeself announced this week that Santa Claus would switch to giving presents on a daytime shift, starting this Christmas Eve.
â€œWe know this is a drastic step,â€ said Sparkly, head of Santaâ€™s press office. â€œBut the worldâ€™s changing drastically. Some elves would say itâ€™s going down the toilet faster than ever, but thatâ€™s beside the point. The point is, go to bed Christmas Eve, stay in bed, Christmas Day, ho ho ho and all that.â€
Sources close to Santaâ€™s workshop explained that the switch to a day sleigh ride is mostly to protect the sleigh and reindeer from attack in the worldâ€™s more unstable areas. â€œSanta got caught on radar over the Iraqi no-fly zone last year,â€ said an elf who asked not to be named. â€œHe got out in time, but there was some anti-aircraft fire in his direction. Santa said if he was going to stay on nights, he would need fighter escorts, and those just donâ€™t go with Christmas.â€
Sparkly told reporters that Santaâ€™s flight plan would remain the same, though he might take extra precautions to remain hidden during the daylight hours. â€œParking garages, big wooded backyards, alleys, and so forth. Look for Santa to hide there- wait, DONâ€™T go looking for him! Stay in bed!â€
North Pole operations appear to be back to normal after disturbing rumors that Santa was going senile surfaced several Christmases ago. A Venezuelan girl claimed that Santa had left her a â€œTickle Me Kevin Spaceyâ€ doll, while a couple in Ontario said that a disheveled, unshaven Santa showed up at their house three months after Christmas, forgetting to bring any toys. A disgruntled elf wrote a scandalous expose with Kitty Kelley; describing Santa as a passive-aggressive bully dependent on Paxil (though the book was later withdrawn under threats of a libel suit). â€œThings did get a little weird for a while,â€ added our anonymous elf, â€œbut weâ€™re back on track, and Santaâ€™s giving 110 percent this year. This announcement about the schedule change should clear a lot of doubts from peopleâ€™s minds.â€
Reaction was sharply divided among parent/child lines. â€œI cainâ€™t but stay asleep for two hours on Christmas Eve, neither. If I had to sleep all Christmas Iâ€™d just about go crazy and wreck all the furniture- if we done had any,â€ said Billie Sue Jobean, 8, of Green Lake. Her father, on the other hand, was relieved. Zeke Jobean said that â€œthis year we wonâ€™t have Billie Sue racing into our suite before daybreak, pleading to open her gifts.â€ Marla Jean Jobean, Zekeâ€™s wife, agreed. â€œLast year she woke up the cook and her Eggs Florentine came out a little dodgy.â€