North Pole urges citizens to stay in bed on Christmas Day

Changing a tradition as old as Christmas itself, a North Pole spokeself announced this week that Santa Claus would switch to giving presents on a daytime shift, starting this Christmas Eve.

“We know this is a drastic step,” said Sparkly, head of Santa’s press office. “But the world’s changing drastically. Some elves would say it’s going down the toilet faster than ever, but that’s beside the point. The point is, go to bed Christmas Eve, stay in bed, Christmas Day, ho ho ho and all that.”

Sources close to Santa’s workshop explained that the switch to a day sleigh ride is mostly to protect the sleigh and reindeer from attack in the world’s more unstable areas. “Santa got caught on radar over the Iraqi no-fly zone last year,” said an elf who asked not to be named. “He got out in time, but there was some anti-aircraft fire in his direction. Santa said if he was going to stay on nights, he would need fighter escorts, and those just don’t go with Christmas.”

Sparkly told reporters that Santa’s flight plan would remain the same, though he might take extra precautions to remain hidden during the daylight hours. “Parking garages, big wooded backyards, alleys, and so forth. Look for Santa to hide there- wait, DON’T go looking for him! Stay in bed!”

North Pole operations appear to be back to normal after disturbing rumors that Santa was going senile surfaced several Christmases ago. A Venezuelan girl claimed that Santa had left her a “Tickle Me Kevin Spacey” doll, while a couple in Ontario said that a disheveled, unshaven Santa showed up at their house three months after Christmas, forgetting to bring any toys. A disgruntled elf wrote a scandalous expose with Kitty Kelley; describing Santa as a passive-aggressive bully dependent on Paxil (though the book was later withdrawn under threats of a libel suit). “Things did get a little weird for a while,” added our anonymous elf, “but we’re back on track, and Santa’s giving 110 percent this year. This announcement about the schedule change should clear a lot of doubts from people’s minds.”

Reaction was sharply divided among parent/child lines. “I cain’t but stay asleep for two hours on Christmas Eve, neither. If I had to sleep all Christmas I’d just about go crazy and wreck all the furniture- if we done had any,” said Billie Sue Jobean, 8, of Green Lake. Her father, on the other hand, was relieved. Zeke Jobean said that “this year we won’t have Billie Sue racing into our suite before daybreak, pleading to open her gifts.” Marla Jean Jobean, Zeke’s wife, agreed. “Last year she woke up the cook and her Eggs Florentine came out a little dodgy.”

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