Spring-Loaded Butter Cookies

Max Banner

There’s a new report out by a guy in my neighborhood that says that if we could find a way to keep cookies and other snack foods from falling under couch cushions, productivity would increase by 40 percent. So what are we waiting for, an invitation from the Couch Federation of Greater Quebec? This is serious!

And it’s not purely a productivity issue, either. Food and furniture could realize they have a lot in common, and form an alliance. “All we do is get eaten and sat on,” they’d say, and they’d start a petition drive. They might even start sharing design ideas with each other, and then we’ve got recliners a la mode and butter cookies with spring-loaded cushions to provide maximum comfort. Finally, they’d hold all these rallies and teach-ins to get sandwiches and end tables and everybody working together. I went to a teach-in once, but it was in 1987 and there wasn’t anything to learn about so we all just watched “Harry and the Hendersons.” Good flick.

The problem is, what human alliance is going to be able to stand up to a food-furniture coalition? Nobody. NATO? Yeah right. It’s a little-known fact that a NATO base in Frankfurt, West Germany was infiltrated by a group of renegade coat racks. It took them eight hours to secure their own base! Hollywood screenwriters couldn’t do it, either. They’d try to sign the coat racks to a five picture deal and then all of a sudden that woman on the Insider show is telling me about why Joe Coat Rack won’t be at the Golden Globes. Thanks, pal. And community activists will just go “prevention is the answer, let’s all talk about how to work together on this vital issue” and everyone will puke out of irritation.

So the solution is for humans to partner with something else, like appliances. Food and furniture may be able to beat humans, but what if the humans have refrigerators on their side? Then it’s completely different. The point spread would be pretty good on that. You could get some friends together and watch the big fight on television, only don’t buy any nachos or French onion dip. You don’t know which side they’re really on.

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