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Strike It Rich By Insulting Horses

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Max Banner

First off, you’re never gonna strike it rich by insulting horses. What’re you gonna do, get hired by some jerk to insult his horses? “My horse just won the Kentucky Derby,” he’d say. “Why should I pay you to insult the horse when the jockey already does it as part of his salary?”

I guess if you were a jockey you might make it rich by insulting the horse, if the horse had really low self-esteem and only responded to negative attention. But not every horse you insult is gonna win a lot. That’s the other thing. Otherwise you just have a depressed horse and a lot of eighth place finishes.

The racing form never has articles about horse psychology. Why is that? Probably because the guy who published the first racing form was the son of a psychologist and got so damn sick of his dad asking him questions all the time like “How are you son” that he just couldn’t take it anymore. Psychologists love answering questions because they secretly all want to be court stenographers, and that’s how they learn to do shorthand.

I never insulted a horse myself- I had a horse as a kid and he never mouthed off so we got along fine- but I insulted a court stenographer once. The lawyer kept asking me all these questions about where I was on the night in question, and who fell into the river, and on and on until I finally said “What’s with all the questions, are you a psychologist or something?” And the judge said that they should strike that from the record, so the court stenographer started to type something and I said “Don’t strike that from the record, you cow!” If I’d called her a horse instead of a cow, maybe she would’ve won the Kentucky Derby.

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