Max Banner

In the old days, guns weren’t the only things that had calibers. Most home appliances had them, too. In 1957, a man in Charleston, West Virginia robbed five banks with a .38 special toaster, but the toast popped in the sixth bank and he ended up in jail for 432 years.

One time I bought a 9 millimeter caliber blender and it was a big to-do. Shiny, black and drunk on its own sense of power, this blender was ready for action. It even had a silencer. I threw an onion in there. Zing! Sliced onions. Next, a tomato. Tomato puree in half the time! Then, an ice pack. That was not as tasty, but it sure chopped up good. The blender was bragging about itself to everybody in the neighborhood.

But then the toaster got all uppity and said “that blender’s too big for its britches” and it organized a smear campaign against the blender. All of a sudden there are all these commercials on the radio saying “can this blender be trusted” and “blenders: menace to the kitchen” and “Kaeopectate keeps the toilet away.” And then the damn government holds a hearing and next thing I know the blender gets arrested and sent up the river. I had to go to the state prison to get anything chopped! The ice packs were furious.

Finally the blender got parole for good behavior, but it was never the same. It lost the old swagger and finally limited itself to pureeing milk, which is just stupid. Not even cats would go near that stuff. Now they have all sorts of rules about blenders. You even have to get a license in some states. I don’t eat onions much anymore, though. It’s a protest.

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