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Have you ever heard that saying “ants in your pants”??? You haven’t? What’s your problem? Ants in your pants. There. You see, that saying has a lot of meanings. It was in the Bible once. “But Paul’s captor had seen the light and would not come with Paul, and so Paul asked, ‘Dost my new friend have ants in his pants?'” One of my favorite parts in there. I had ’em read that at my wedding, even though the preacher walked out in the middle of the thing from heat exhaustion and there was a big mess with the paperwork.

I’ve been watching ants in my building now for a few weeks and they lead interesting lives. For example, sometimes they’re carrying things around. They could get jobs as longshoremen if they were interested. Ants also have their skeletons on the outside, which means they don’t need Halloween costumes. They just go as skeletons. I went as a skeleton once to a wedding, just to see what would happen. I says, “Look everybody, it’s skeleton Max!” and they all loved it. They threw pastries at me during the reception. I think they were testing my costume. It did look pretty realistic.

Ants have a complicated social structure which science hasn’t quite been able to figure out, but I got a pretty good handle on it. See, every ant has a different job. The Queen is in charge. She has all the babies and negotiates all the foreign policy. The workers have to ratify her nominees for foreign service jobs and they also carry food around. Some of the ants are in a union and they have a pretty good health care plan. The other ants are independent contractors, so no health care, but they can take days off whenever they want.

There are other ant jobs too, just like people. I watched one ant go from group to group one day. My wife says, “Max, you’re gonna be late, let’s go” and I said “hold your horses, missy” cause I wanted to see what was up. Well, this ant kept walking and talking and walking and talking, and then it hit me: gossip columnist. Somebody had to tell everybody about what was going on in the world of celebrity ants, and he was the one. I saw him lurking around in the background while the Queen was writing letters, so that must have been it. But then my building’s super hired an exterminator and killed everybody. They didn’t get a decent burial because he killed the ant undertaker too. But I’m looking into that now.

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