The Archduke of Twitter: 25 More Greatest Tweets

Last April we posted the 25 greatest tweets out of my first 500. Well, we got another 500 in the can and so it’s time to pull out those lovable flashes of wit and inspiration that will probably not ever end up on a calendar at somebody’s cubicle but probably should.

1) Just advised old-timey radio series owners that repackaging episodes with “edgy” names won’t work. “Suspense, Bitches”? Nah – April 30, 2010

2) Actual quote: “There’s a perfectly valid reason for me putting James Madison’s head on Mr. T” – May 18, 2010

3) Those new “dream of Eva Gabor” supplements? Total ripoff. I tried ’em and dreamed of Zsa Zsa Gabor, which is not the same – June 1, 2010

4) I’m proud of my reputation as one of the most innovative and technically proficient record listeners in rock music history – June 3, 2010

5) “Pride and Prejudice and Zombies” needs a sequel. I like either “Harold and Maude and Zombies” or “Emerson, Lake, Palmer and Zombies” – June 11, 2010

6) If Collective Soul was so popular, why didn’t they try any other genres? Collective Zydeco? – June 25, 2010

7) Big mistake this morning. I switched the blade on the guy in shades, and now Corey Hart is chasing me with a lawnmower – July 12, 2010

8) Elton John would be a terrible career counselor. “According to the aptitude test you should be a sculptor… but then again, no” – July 29, 2010

9) I’m writing a new stage adaptation of “Brigadoon.” It’s performed by a troupe of shortbread cookies and it’s now called “Lorna Doone” – July 30, 2010

10) I propose “Cash Money”- it’s “Frost/Nixon” but with Johnny Cash and Eddie Money – July 30, 2010

11) We need new suffixes to replace Jr. and III. How about “Cuba Gooding 2: Electric Boogaloo” and “Clarence Williams 3-D”? – August 4, 2010

12) Fleetwood Mac hasn’t stopped thinking about tomorrow in 12,250 days. Must be hard to decide other things. “Your order, Ms McVie?” “TOMORROW” – August 20, 2010

13) Iron Man Triathlons are great, but I’d like a wider variety of Black Sabbath-themed sporting events. How about the War Pigs Decathlon? – August 26, 2010

14) Interesting tennis stats: Tony Bennett has never lost serve in the US Open. Not once! Ron Howard, on the other hand, has never held serve. – September 11, 2010

15) Please tell me that Mrs. Dash’s first name is Dot – September 12, 2010

16) Why I never hired a personal trainer: cause I might accidentally say “I want to look so good that Color Me Badd will want to sex me up” – November 4, 2010

17) I’d bet money that I’m the first person to ever search for the phrase “Millard Fillmore anime” on Google – November 10, 2010

18) the newshour’s reputation is such that, at this point, even I’m not sure that I’m not a woman. – November 18, 2010, after PBS’s blog referred to me as a she

19) Somehow I just described something as “like Emerson, Lake and Palmer plus Barbie” ??? – November 30, 2010

20) Question: “What is a Mellotron?” My answer: “Mellotron is Megatron’s pot-smoking brother.” – December 7, 2010

21) Wouldn’t a whole lotta love be too rich? I’m opting for 2% milkfat lotta love instead. – December 21, 2010

22) Van Halen’s “Ain’t Talkin’ Bout Love” is stuck in my head. So I ain’t ain’t talkin’ ’bout “Ain’t Talkin’ ‘Bout Love” – February 18, 2011

23) So when you enter “where the streets have no name” into Google Maps, what comes up? – February 21, 2011

24) Every year we have the Oscars. In the interests of equal time, shouldn’t we start having the Felixes too? – February 24, 2011

25) I’m more Country Strong than Gwyneth Paltrow, but less Country Strong than Gwyneth Paltrow’s character in “Country Strong.” – April 19, 2011

Comments

comments

Leave a Reply