James vs. Michael doesn’t wow many

Let’s be honest with ourselves here: a fight between two guys with limited boxing skills is usually more boring to watch than one of Appleton’s dreaded cow taunting contests. Yet the fight Green Lakers have been clamoring for has something most amateur boxing fights don’t have: an incredibly stupid motive for fighting.

Almost everyone in town knows James Michael for his obsession with all things Calvin Klein and his ability (most would avoid the word “talent”) to drink mayonnaise. All of Green Lake also knows, then, that Michael has been an unemployed accountant for over three years now, and has been squeaking out a living by auctioning off other people’s wine collections. His inability to find an accounting job has left him restless and temperamental. “J.M. doesn’t drink much from 9 in the morning until about 6 p.m.,” says Wayne Leftson, bartender at the Watering Hole, on 3rd and West Streets, “but he makes up for it by closing time, that’s for sure.” Michael is known at the Watering Hole for picking on just about anyone when he’s drunk, for almost any reason.

Last month Michael James, 32, decided to relax with friends at the Watering Hole. Almost instantly he became the talk of the bar, says Leftson: “He carries a rake around all the time, and nobody can take it away from him. I know you magazine folks will edit this out, but he scares the !#!@ out of me!”

Michael James apparently bugged James Michael, too, for as soon as the rake-handling James had finished his third round of Black Russians, Michael began mocking him loudly. James, taking offense to the remarks, announced he was returning to his accounting office. (This, despite our sources discovering that James, working as an accountant, was actually trained as a circus performer, probably as a bearded lady.) Michael, incensed that James had an accounting job that he wanted, challenged him to a boxing match, which James accepted.

The fight has since become the talk of the town, especially since tightwad promoters enlisted graffiti artists to spray paint the marquee all over town to avoid paying for posters.

Stranger still, though, are the special preconditions that each fighter has set for the match. James Michael, sure of his ability, claimed that he could fight with one hand tied behind his back. But since he was drunk at the time he made the boast, witnesses say he actually said he could fight with one hand tied behind his opponent’s back, and that’s where it will be when the fight takes place. James, on the other hand, has asked to fight with a half-eaten watermelon around his neck, and that if Michael takes more than three bites from the melon during the fight he will be disqualified.

Tickets have been selling fast for this event, says a representative of the Green Lake County Civic Center. “But I’m getting sick of answering the question, ‘Who will hold Michael James’s rake during the fight? I don’t #@$@ing know, OK?”

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