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Some guy I don’t know wrote a book about the rules on how to date people so I decided to show him by working up my own rules. We don’t have to use his rules! Who died and made him king of dating? Bob Eubanks? Well, ok, maybe if it was him.

So the first rule is, don’t use puns from your job. If you’re an archeological digger, don’t tell your date that you do “dating” for a living, because she won’t get it. Then you have to spend the whole date explaining about radiocarbon dating and who really cares that much. Bob Eubanks doesn’t.

The second rule is, don’t talk about Bob Eubanks on your date, or the guest might think you’re secretly in love with Bob Eubanks. Bob Eubanks might secretly think that too, and if he shows up, then you’re gonna get wailed on. Bob Eubanks showed up once at a date I had at a restaurant, and it wasn’t even a date. I was sitting at a booth reading the kids’ coloring page – there was a secret anti-Castro code in there – and Bob Eubanks walks in and says “stop bothering my lady friends!” I says, “don’t talk about your lady friends during my dates!” Then we went outside to duel but the restaurant closed and I had to pay my check.

The third rule is, don’t tell your date depressing stories about your life. If you did something really embarrassing once, don’t tell them during a really important date. Leak it to the press right before a holiday weekend. My one friend told a story about how he was afraid to swim unless he wore a bunny suit and the girl changed her mind about buying him a Poppin Fresh Pie. “You need more than pie,” she said, and walked out the door. See? He should’ve told that old guy on the weekend news instead.

You’ll know things are going well when you reach the Gumball Anniversary – three weeks, one day and six hours. You buy the date a gumball, since she’s been on a date that’s been over three weeks long and she’s probably earned it. Just give her whatever flavor comes out first, don’t wait for “the pink one because it tastes better” or some dumb reason. Gumballs all taste the same. Who cares what color they are? Bob Eubanks does, but so what. He ought to keep his mouth shut anyway.

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